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“Let me finish, please.” She begs and honestly, the tone of her voice makes me want to wrap her in my arms and never let her go. I take some deep breaths to try and get myself together. For her. You need to be calm and reasonable for her. I swallow the urge to get on a plane and wipe his sorry existence from the face of the earth. When I get my hands on him I’m going to take him apart slowly, piece by piece and incinerate his body until there’s nothing left but ashes. Maybe I’ll keep him alive. Get someone to have their way with him every day until his body gives out and he dies the most horrific death imaginable.
“I came straight back to New York the day after the funeral. Tried to go back to normal but I was just so fucking broken. I wasn’t paying attention to anything, I was just so numb. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until really late on. I gave birth in June. He's almost nine months old.”
My mouth dries up, my chest still drumming. I stare at her trying my best to absorb everything. Trying to put myself in her position. I can't. I don't understand how she's still functioning. She’s a fighter. My Casimira. My fiery, happy-go-lucky Casimira. Broken down by lesser people because I wasn’t there to protect her. I made her a promise and I broke it.
She keeps her eyes downcast, tears slipping from her dark lashes. She doesn't bother to wipe them like she's used to them. “Look at me.” She looks at me and her eyes are so unfamiliar, I can't take it. There's a lump in my throat and I can feel the tears slipping out.
I dip my head so our eyes are on level. “What do you need me to do? If you want me to go to London and take him off this earth, I will board a plane and do it. Just say the words.”
She chews the corner of her lip and I can tell she’s contemplating it but she starts to shake her head. “No, I just need to move on. Tom had no idea I was even pregnant. I only told my family, it's been kept a secret this whole time. I won’t have Tom anywhere near him.” There it is. A glimmer of fire in her eyes. Her strength will always amaze me. If there's anyone who could go through all of that and raise a child on their own, it would be her.
“If you ever change your mind and you want to take back what he stole from you, there isn’t a place on earth he could hide from us.” As much as I want to ignore her wishes and go and end that lowlife piece of shits life, she's already had so many choices taken away from her. I won't take another. If we do it, it has to be on her terms.
“Look, I understand if you hate me. This is all so messy. I’ll leave New York, you’ll never have to see me again.” Her voice cracks and she turns away from me.
“Casimira, I made you a promise that I would always protect you and I failed.”
“Enzo, that wasn’t your-“ she interrupts but I pull her to look at me with a hand on the back of her neck.
“Don’t interrupt me. I also made a promise to myself that I would give you everything you want and deserve in life. I intend to keep both of them.”
Her lip wobbles and she tries to turn away from me, I hold her firmly in place.
“I'm damaged, don’t give me false promises. You can do better.” She says bitterly. I swear to god my cold, dead, heart splinters.
I tighten my hold on her neck, thumb rubbing just below her ear and pinning her with my eyes. “Don’t you ever say that shit again. You are not damaged. His actions do not affect your worth.” She tries to blink away the tears but it just pushes more over her lids. “I told you before, Vita Mia. Nobody makes decisions for me. You are mine. Always have been, always will be.” Her breathing is heavy, her chest rising and falling. The space in the car seems to be getting smaller.
She smiles and it’s so full of sorrow and regret that it tightens my chest like a blood pressure cuff. She wraps her arms around my neck and rests her forehead against mine. “I’m so sorry.”
“Stop,” I say softly, nudging her nose with mine and kissing her. She melts into me, soft lips welcoming me back. A groan slips from my mouth. Fuck. I’ve missed her so much. The word miss doesn't feel like enough. Dying, rotting, suffocating. Those words feel more applicable to how I felt not living inside of her orbit.
I have no idea when my fingers thread through her hair or the other hand cups her wet cheek. It's like muscle memory, me and her. The softness of her lips on mine. The taste of her against my deprived tongue. Her warm skin under my palm.
This is me coming back home again.
To her.
Nothing could take me away from her now. She’s mine and I’m fucking keeping her this time.
35
Casimira
Manhattan, New York City
I've been at a standstill for the past year and a half. I'm just so cold inside, even when I look at my son. I try to be better for him. I try to be happy. When he first rolled over or started crawling, I smiled but I didn’t feel happiness like I did before. Happiness feels different now, it's not so free felt. It's tinged with a darkness that I can never really shift. I do thank god every day that he looks just like me and Alek. I'm not sure what I would do if he resembled Tom. It doesn’t matter though because he’s mine and only mine. He needs me and I need him.
So many times before I found out I was pregnant I was going to give up and just end it. The only reason I didn’t was because if my mum lost another child I think she would break altogether. Then I gave birth and it was like divine intervention. My life had a new purpose. I had this pure, innocent child who had never been touched by darkness or evil and he depends solely on me. He is the only reason I get out of bed every day. It's not living, it's surviving. But I’m doing my best for my son and that's what counts.
His phone rings for the seventh time. He finally picks up and I can hear Luca's voice on the other end.
“What?” Enzo says a tad sharply.
“Checking you haven’t killed anyone.” The muffled deep timbre sounds.
“Obviously not. Now fuck off.” Enzo snaps hanging up the phone.
I stare up at him. Seeing him has felt like breaking through the surface of the water after holding your breath for eighteen months. I still have that underlying worry that he will realise how fucked up I am and he’ll walk away and leave me to drown. It's inevitable.
