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“You come in here looking like a Ninki Nanka is hot on your tail and you can’t escape fast enough. I know you. Something’s going on. Is it Lucas?”
I wince, unable to keep the pain from my heart. She grabs my arm and practically drags me down the hallway to the staff room.
“Jasper’s waiting for me in the car,” I protest.
“Give me your keys.”
I consider yanking my arm loose and running, but I’ll never hear the end of it from her, Kim, and Emily once I return to Maple Ridge. I hand the keys to her, gripping them for a fraction of a second before letting go.
“Stay here.” She returns a few minutes later carrying two mugs with a tall swirl of whipped cream. “Here, drink this. Tracy will take Jasper for a short walk while you and I talk.”
Jasper likes Tracy. He’ll be in good hands. But that doesn’t mean I want to relive what happened less than an hour ago. The memory stings like a festering wound doused with lemon juice. The only cure is spending time at my grandfather’s cabin, washing away the bad memory with my childhood memories from there.
“All right, tell me what the dumbass did to make you look like you’re having an allergy attack.” Zara points to the couch and sits on the armchair opposite it.
I stand motionless for a beat, then sink to the middle of the couch. The sooner I tell her what happened, the sooner Jasper and I can leave for the mountains. I just need time to think. Time to figure out my options.
I sip the drink. Hot-chocolatey goodness fills my veins. A small part of me wants to say screw it to hiding out in the mountain and regrouping my thoughts. Drowning my sorrows in creamy hot chocolate sounds like a better plan.
But visiting my grandfather’s cabin will do me some good. I avoided the place after Aiden’s death. It’s time I go back to face my final memories of him there.
I tell Zara everything. About the pregnancy. The unsent letter. The accident. The grief and depression. How Lucas and I hadn’t seen or talked to each other in over ten years until my recent return to Maple Ridge. And how we only got married for business reasons, not for love like we’d told everyone.
And like a tap turned on all the way, I pour out how I failed everyone including my brother.
Especially my brother.
“I wasn’t the mother my baby deserved. And I wasn’t the sister my brother deserved either.” My chest tightens once more, the vise from earlier returning with full vengeance. “I lost them. Just like—just like I’ve lost Lucas.” The words come out in a tearless, weary whisper. “He hates me because I didn’t tell him when I was pregnant with his child, and then I lost his baby. He thought he was marrying a whole woman, a woman who could give him kids. But instead…instead he married one without a uterus.”
Zara’s sorrow meets my gaze. Not a single drop of pity stares back at me. Just understanding and compassion. She pushes herself off the armchair and joins me on the couch. Her arms hug me in a fierce embrace. I stiffen for a fraction of a second, then sink into her hug, needing it more than oxygen.
“I’m sorry you went through that, Simone. I wish I had known so I could’ve been there for you.”
I return her hug, feeling her strength seep into me. “I know. I…I didn’t want anyone here to know about the baby until I had spoken to Lucas first. By the time I realized I was pregnant and accepted that I was going to be a mommy, I was already sixteen weeks. So I decided to wait a little longer so I could send him the baby’s ultrasound when I told him. And then—and then I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone what happened.
“After the accident, I hadn’t been interested in dating. It was easier being a workaholic than dealing with my new reality. I took a chance with Mark, my last boyfriend. But he dumped me when he discovered I couldn’t have babies.”
“God, that’s so effed up,” Zara says, her expression a cross between pissed and heartbroken.
I flop back on the couch cushion. “It is. I sank into depression. Felt defective. After his reaction, I swore off dating permanently, not wanting to go through that again. I couldn’t deal with another man thinking I wasn’t worth it. It’s taken me years to cope with the loss of my daughter. Usually I’m okay, but today’s the anniversary of her death.” I wipe at the fresh batch of tears. “The anniversary always hits me hard. Avery comes to Lily’s grave with me and helps me survive the day…”
“But you didn’t have that today,” Zara finishes what I can’t say. I nod. “Instead, your husband let you down.”
“I wouldn’t say that he let me down as much as it was me letting him down. I should’ve told him the truth from the beginning, but at first, I didn’t think it would matter. We weren’t marrying for love. But then he told me he could see us one day having kids, assuming he didn’t end up in prison. I knew I needed to tell him, but my ex-boyfriend’s words kept echoing in my brain, convincing me I was damaged goods.”
My gaze drops to my lap. “I couldn’t bear the thought of Lucas looking at me the same way Mark had when he found out about the hysterectomy.”
Zara hugs me once more, her touch powerful enough to dull some of the pain pumping through my veins. “Your ex-boyfriend was a dick. You’re not broken, Simone. Not even close. You love him, don’t you? Lucas, I mean. You two might’ve married for convenience, but you really do love him.”
“Yes. I’ve been in love with him since I was eighteen years old, when he and I were first hooking up behind Aiden’s back. Only I didn’t realize it at the time. I finally admitted the truth to myself the last time I saw him before he and Aiden left for what ended up being their final deployment.”
“Did you tell him how you felt about him back then?”
I lift my shoulders in a shrug. “I’d planned to, but then everything got messed up with the accident. And once he returned to Maple Ridge after getting his degree, I avoided the town. I knew it would hurt too much seeing him again.”
“Does he know you love him?”
“You mean, have I told him?”
