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She nods.
“No. Even though he told me he wanted us to have a normal marriage, I guess I half expected him to change his mind at some point. I lost my parents, my baby, my brother. There’s a part of me that’s sitting on the edge, waiting to lose him, too.”
Which is pretty much what happened when I finally told him the truth.
“I don’t think you have to worry about losing Lucas, Simone. The man loves you. He probably needs time to digest everything. He’s not callous like your last boyfriend.”
“You didn’t see him. He was beyond pissed.”
Zara looks as though she wants to argue, but then changes her mind. “What are you going to do now?”
“Spend a few days at my grandfather’s cabin. I need to figure out what to do next.”
I did the right thing telling Lucas about Lily. I should have told him sooner. Before we got married. Then he could’ve walked away and saved me from my current heartache.
“Did you ever see anyone after your baby died? Like a therapist?” Zara asks.
“I joined a support group. But I was the only single woman in it. I listened to couples share their stories and women wonder what they had done wrong. Wonder if history would be a bitch and repeat itself. But that won’t be the case for me.”
There are no second chances. No getting pregnant and fearing the baby might be premature, might be stillborn, might die at any point. Fate dealt me the one card, and it’s game over.
“I quit the group soon after and buried myself in my work.”
“Did that help?” It’s a rhetorical question. Zara already knows the answer.
“Once I get back from the cabin, I’ll talk to someone. A professional. Until I fully deal with the loss of my baby, with my inability to have kids, and with Aiden’s death, I’ll never be fully healed…or as close to fully healed as humanly possible. I realize that now.”
“I think that’s a good idea. And I’ll be there for you in whatever way you need, Simone. But are you sure you want to drive to the cabin today? Maybe wait a few days. Talk things through with Lucas first.”
I shake my head. “I’d rather go now. I just need to get away and process everything. Jasper and I will hang out. Have some alone time.”
Doubt clouds her expression. She’s not buying it. But that doesn’t matter. I’ve made up my mind.
A smile stretches across my face, not completely genuine, but not completely fake either. “I promise. I’ll be fine.”
46
Lucas
I arrive home to an empty house.
My first thought is Simone has taken Jasper for a walk. His harness and leash aren’t where we normally keep them.
I walk into the kitchen only to realize Jasper’s bowls are also missing.
My second thought is Simone has finally figured out she deserves better than me. I’m not worth the effort. My reaction earlier was the final straw that cracked the camel’s back.
She left a note on the kitchen counter. It just says she’s going away for a few days and Jasper is with her. There’s no hint of where she went.
Shit.
I flip the paper over. Nothing—other than a blank page staring accusingly at me. I swallow, guilt clawing my throat. I did this. My stupidity, my rashness pushed her away.
I remove my phone from my pocket and call her. After several rings, I’m sent to voice mail.
I don’t leave a message.
I text her: Call me!
