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He shrugs and takes a mouthful of cereal. The sugary kind he loved as a kid.
“What about Richard Diegel? Isn’t he supposed to be renowned for his work with PTSD?” I’d read an article about him the other day. His research sounds promising.
“I’m fine, Simone. I don’t need to talk to him.” The bite in Lucas’s tone makes a great white’s teeth seem dull. God, was my brother this stubborn when it came to admitting he had a problem?
If Aiden had acknowledged he was struggling, if he had stopped hiding the truth from me, would he be alive?
If I had come back from Portland and not hid like a coward, could I have saved him?
We finish breakfast in silence, and Lucas appears as deep in thought as I am. He leaves the house first, mumbling that he’ll be back late.
My morning is spent sitting at the patio table, creating the necklaces that will be part of an upcoming subscription box. Jasper snoozes in the sunny spot on the cobblestones near my feet.
Around eleven, I pack up my supplies and head to Treats. Emily, Kim, Zara, and I are meeting for lunch.
Grinning, Kim dips a yam fry in Emily’s container of hot sauce. None of my friends have commented on the small cut on my cheek, hidden under my makeup.
“So, I have some big news. Jerome and I are pregnant.” Kim’s words come out so fast, I almost miss them. But as the words begin to register in my head, they feel less like good news and more like ash raining down on me, filling my lungs, making it hard to breathe.
Emily and Zara shriek their congratulations.
A memory of the day I finally accepted I was pregnant leaks in. When I knew that not only was I going to be a mother, but I was excited about it.
I was fourteen weeks pregnant when I finally clued in I was going to have a baby. Sixteen weeks when I got over the shock and fell in love with my child. At twenty weeks, I had the ultrasound, found out I was having a little girl. At twenty-one weeks, I wrote a letter to Lucas, telling him the news. I wanted to tell him first that he was going to be a father, and then tell Grams.
I never had a chance to send the letter. And I refused to break Grams’s heart and tell her that her great-granddaughter had died. I also couldn’t find the strength in me to tell her about the accident and the hysterectomy.
I let her believe everything was okay.
That I was fine.
I blink away the forming tears, and my ex-boyfriend’s words replay in my head. I’m defective. Broken. I’ll never get to experience the joy again that has Kim glowing.
Guilt and grief threaten to suffocate me. I don’t let them. This is Kim’s moment. And I couldn’t be happier for her.
I jump out of my seat and hug her, squeezing her tight.
But I can’t deny her news is another reminder of what I’ll never have. The babies. The happy marriage. A partnership where two people are completely open—instead of one where we’re both hiding things.
Emily, Zara, and Kim talk all things pregnancy. I just smile and nod at everything they say. No one notices the crateful of emotions battling inside me.
Not all the emotions are due to Kim’s news. The worst of them are linked to Lucas’s flashback and nightmare. The brief fear on his face. The way he looked ready to run and never turn back.
If only chasing away his demons was as simple as checking under his bed, kissing him on the forehead, and telling him the monsters are gone.
If only…if only I knew how to help him.
28
Simone
“The gang’s over there.” Grams points a knobby finger at the deck chairs on the lawn behind the town hall. Every Fourth of July, Maple Ridge celebrates with a barbecue and festivities. They’ve been doing this since before I was born. The sky is clear blue, no hint of clouds on the horizon that could impact tonight’s fireworks over Windermere Lake.
I wheel Grams to the picnic table where Delores, Samantha, and John are sitting, and say hello to them. A folk band is playing a lively tune on the stage, and little kids are bouncing to the fast-playing fiddle. They aren’t the only ones dancing. Several older couples are also making the most of the music.
After checking that Grams has everything she needs, I walk to where Lucas is standing with his brothers, Jerome, and Zara near the hayride. Emily volunteered to help out and is collecting tickets from the group of people wanting to climb on. Kim has her camera strap looped behind her neck, shooting photos that will end up in the local newspaper.
Lucas’s worn jeans and soft gray T-shirt hug his muscles in the best possible way. I’m not the only woman who’s shamelessly checking him out. But as his wife, it’s my duty to ogle him.
