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I pick up the top one, and then the next envelope, and the one after that. Recognition taunts me. Each envelope has Lucas’s name on it. Each name written by my hand.
I open the first envelope and remove the letter I wrote to him while he was in the Marines. I sit on the bed and read the letter. I do the same for all the other letters I wrote him.
I can’t believe it. He kept them.
He kept every single one I wrote to him while he was away.
All except for one.
I push myself off the bed and go into the guest room. I kneel on the floor and pull out the wicker basket from under the bed. The wicker basket that contains the letters he sent me while he was in the Marines. As far as I know, he hasn’t found them.
I leaf through the letters, but the one I’m looking for is where I left it—at the bottom of the pile.
This isn’t the final letter he sent me. But it is the last one I wrote him. Only I never sent it.
I remove the letter and Lily’s ultrasound image from the envelope. My vision blurs at the sight of my once-perfect daughter. I trace my finger over her body and her features. Tears drop onto the picture, and I choke back a sob.
I put the ultrasound in the wicker box, blink to clear my vision, and read the letter.
Letter # 103
Dear Lucas,
I miss you so much. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about you. You’re the last person I think about when I go to bed at night. I reread your letters and pretend you’re here telling me about your day.
The last time we were together, I wanted to tell you that I’m in love with you. But I didn’t. I fell asleep, and then you had to leave. But there you have it. It’s not how I wanted to tell you, but it’s important that you know. If I were there with you, I would tell you I love you to your face.
I hope you feel the same way about me. Actually, I’m sure you feel the same way. I’ve been replaying our last night together since you left, and I’m positive you love me, too. Your actions and the way you look at me tell me there’s a strong possibility I’m right.
Oh, God, I hope I’m right because there’s something I need to tell you. Something I recently discovered. I haven’t told anyone yet. I want you to be the first to find out. I’m pregnant, Lucas. With your baby. I realize telling you the news by way of a letter is probably not the best idea, especially since you’re somewhere fighting a war. But I’m pregnant and I wanted you to hear it from me. I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea if you heard the news from someone else.
I know there’s a chance I have things wrong and you don’t love me. And I know there’s a chance you won’t be excited like I am about the baby growing inside of me. I’ll admit I was shocked at first. We used a condom. I hadn’t planned or expected to be pregnant. And because of that, it took me forever to realize I’m pregnant. I was scared when I learned the truth and didn’t know how I felt. I imagine you feel the same way reading this letter. That’s understandable.
I’m rambling. I’m sorry. I just wanted to say that I’m having your baby and that I love you. I won’t say anything about it to anyone in Maple Ridge until you and I have a chance to talk. I’ve enclosed our daughter’s ultrasound so that you can see our beautiful baby.
I love you. Stay safe!
Simone
I fold the page and return it to the envelope.
I never had a chance to mail the letter. I never had a chance to tell Lucas or Grams or my Maple Ridge friends. That was the day a stranger got behind the steering wheel after consuming too much alcohol.
And afterward, I was drowning in too much grief to even read the letters that Lucas sent me while he was deployed. But instead of ripping the letter I wrote into a million pieces and tossing them into the trash, I hid it in my old bedroom with the letters Lucas sent me. I never sent any more letters to him after that. He sent a few to me, but I never opened them. Reading them would have hurt too much. So I threw them away unread. Eventually…eventually the letters stopped coming.
And that hurt more than I had cared to admit.
I pack up Jasper’s supplies to take to Grams’s house and drive there. The energetic puppy is happy to see her. He jumps his paws high on her thighs, almost knocking her over.
It’s not until she’s fussed over him enough that he settles.
“Are you okay with looking after him while I go to Portland?” I ask.
“Of course. I love having the company. Plus, I enjoy showing him off to my friends.”
I kiss her on the cheek. “If my trip to Portland takes longer than expected, is it okay if Jasper spends the night with you?”
“Absolutely, Gumdrop. I know you’re dying to see Avery again.”
