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The drive to Portland isn’t bad. It doesn’t rain and traffic doesn’t slow me down. I take my regular detour so I can avoid the site of the accident where I lost my daughter.
I stop at several stores on the way to Avery’s apartment and purchase items for my subscription boxes. Afterward, I pick up food from my favorite deli and head to my old building.
I step into Avery’s apartment, flattened packing boxes under my arm. I put the boxes on the floor and walk to the window overlooking the street. I slide the window open, greedily inviting in the fresh air. The air doesn’t have Maple Ridge’s clean mountain freshness. A light metallic odor lingers on the breeze.
I go through the bookshelf in the living room and organize my books in three piles: the books I’ll keep, the ones I’ll drop off for donations, and the books to be tossed. Avery can decide which books from the latter two piles she wants to keep before I get rid of them.
I’m halfway through the second shelf when I pull out a hardback copy of a Greek mythology encyclopedia Aiden had sent me a few weeks prior to his death.
I open the book and read the inscription on the title page:
Simone,
Never give up fighting for your dreams.
Love,
Aiden
“Sure, you tell me to never give up fighting for my dreams, but isn’t that exactly what you did? You fought for your country and for the right to freedom, but you couldn’t fight for your dreams or your life?”
I sniff, blink back the tears threatening to blur my vision, and flip through the pages.
I’d started reading the book when I received it but didn’t get very far. Aiden died and the pages no longer brought me comfort.
Just the opposite.
But I’m stronger now. The book doesn’t bring me pain. It brings memories of the little boy who discovered Greek and Roman mythology.
The little boy who thought he was invincible like Hercules.
I turn the page to Themis. Next to the illustration, Aiden had written “CATFISH.”
Why does that seem familiar? It takes a moment for the memory to take shape. It’s the same word he wrote on the scrap piece of paper I found in my old bedroom at Grams’s. The piece of paper that had fallen from my desk drawer when I opened it to pack the contents.
I sit on the couch and read the description for the Greek Titaness. Themis was the personification of divine order, fairness, and law. She was the symbol of justice.
But there’s nothing in the entry that explains why Aiden wrote “CATFISH” next to the illustration.
I shrug it off and place the book in a moving box.
Once I’ve finished packing all my things, I drive to the cemetery where Lily rests in peace. On the way, I stop to pick up a small bouquet of pink lilies and baby’s breath.
I walk along the path leading to where she’s buried. The sun is warm on my bare arms and legs as it attempts to heat me up. As it lends me its support.
After all these years, visiting Lily’s grave hasn’t gotten any easier. And this time, the pain digs deeper. The last time I visited, I wasn’t married to her father. The last time I visited, I hadn’t seen Lucas since the night our daughter was conceived.
I locate her tiny plot and place the bouquet of flowers on the ground in front of the small stone. I trace my finger over the etched lily and along the letters of my daughter’s name and the date she died. Avery had arranged a fundraiser at the ad agency so I could bury my unborn child here.
I don’t know how I would have survived without Avery. She was the one holding my hand when I woke up from surgery. She was the one who stayed by my side while grief sat on my chest, making it difficult to breathe.
“You’re not going to believe this,” I say to the stone, tears distorting my words. I swallow the tears and close my eyes for a second, trying to regain a thread of composure. “Your father and I are now married. It’s a long story.” I don’t recount it to her. I just tell Lily about the things I’ve been doing since the last time I visited her and about Maple Ridge.
No one is around to hear my confessions. No one is around to witness my heartbroken tears. Tears for the loss of my daughter. Tears from my fears that I could be losing Lucas soon. His trial is in six weeks.
“I love you, Lily. I will always love you. And I plan to tell your father all about you. One day very soon. Because I know he would have loved you as much as I do, had you been allowed to be in our arms and not just our hearts.”
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