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“I wanted to show how set apart from the world they are, but how important. I wanted to show the beauty of figures who exist in the darkness, in the places others don’t tread.”
“Good. I see a glimpse of that here, but you lose your way. You lost your confidence. You saw the sky and thought that was the easier target, the easier thing to capture, so you veered from what you wanted to say and went with that you thought others would want. I have a feeling you do that a lot.”
I frowned, ready to tell him he was wrong.
Except…I couldn’t. I thought back to all the times I’d swallowed down what I really wanted and given it up to be a good girl. I might have complained, but in the end? I gave in.
I did as I was told.
“Maybe I do,” I whispered.
“That’s your biggest problem, Kenz. You need to look at whatyouwant and stop letting other things distract you. Stop doing what you think you should, what others tell you to, what’s expected of you. Those things are going to turn you into a clone of everyone else. You have talent, Kenz. I’ve been telling you that for a year, now. You can do so much more, be so much more, if you just stop trying to live by everyone else’s rules.”
I lifted my gaze, shocked to find him so close. We’d leaned in to look at the sketchbook, to study the image, and it had so engrossed me that I hadn’t recognized we were only a few scarce inches apart. He was so close that I could feel his warm breath on my lips.
And there was heat in his eyes. I recognized that easily, and for a brief moment, the temptation felt like too much.
I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to feel normal, to feel like any other nineteen-year-old. No matter how hard I’d tried, though, I hadn’t been able to find that.
If I just closed my eyes and leaned in, I could have arealfirst kiss. I could experience that rush, that passion I’d heard about but never felt myself.
But before I did, the memories of the way Hayden had protected me before hit me. I saw Tor’s golden eyes, Char’s sarcastic smirk, Vance’s arrogant expression.
Giving in to this would be like eating sand when hungry. It would only end up hurting me, wouldn’t make me feel satiated in the least. It wasn’t what I really wanted—just a cheap substitute.
So I pulled back, putting distance between us.
He sighed softly, though it didn’t sound surprised. “I understand. Just remember that I’m here, Kenz, and I want the best for you. You’re on the right track with this”—he tapped at the sketch—“but make sure you focus on what’s important, not whatseemsbest to others. Don’t lose sight of yourself.”
I nodded and took the sketchbook, then fled the room because he saw too much, because what he offered was just too tempting.
The fact thatsomeonewanted me soothed a deep part of me, that little girl who’d always craved affection and attention and unconditional love but hadn’t found it, it all clouded my head.
Wasn’t it hilarious that when someone offered me what I thought I wanted, I just couldn’t get myself to accept?
* * * *
Char
So here we are, pretending yet again.It was funny that I was usually so comfortable in that position. I slid into my personas with an ease that made me safer. Those other personalities of mine, the people I created and wrapped around me like a second skin, they were safe.
They made it so people couldn’t touchme.They only saw or interacted with the false masks.
So why was it that all of us sitting here at the dining room table like nothing happened bothered me so damn much?
Kenz had said she loved me—that she loved usall.I could spot lies, and Kenz wasn’t even a good liar.It meant I knew she meant it.
It wasn’t truly love, of course—I didn’t believe in that. However, she sure as fuck thought she loved us.
And instead of addressing that, the clinking of our silverware against the plates filled the room like some family dinner.
Lies and make-believe. Maybe that’s what makes a real family dinner.
“This is good,” Kenz whispered, her voice strained.
So she feels this too, huh? At least she’s that smart.
“Tor’s a pretty good cook,” Vance said. “He doesn’t do it much, but when he does? It’s worth it.”
