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“About a year ago.”
“So you’re all alone now?”
I almost said yes, because for a long time I’d felt alone. For so long I’d thought I had nothing more than chains on me, but my view had shifted over the time with my men, because they’d reminded me what family felt like. “No, not alone.” Her expression let me continue. “I’m not alone at all. I have my sister, I have the men who are like my brothers, I have a man who has stepped in like my father and now I have men who I love as well. I might have lost both my parents, but I’m less alone now than I ever was before.”
Pauline didn’t answer right away, and when I lifted my gaze to hers again, she had her head tilted as she studied me. “You have a lovely smile when you talk about these things. Perhaps this is an unwelcome or inappropriate statement, but I think you’ll make a lovely addition to our family. I’m not sure I could ask for a better daughter-in-law.”
Her words almost made me smile. Sure, I didn’twantthat future, but at the same time, hearing someone welcome me into their family not due to my name but rather because of my personality? I’d craved that for so many years.
I chose my words carefully. “I appreciate that sentiment, but I don’t want that and I won’t accept it. I don’t want to be with Lorien and that won’t ever change.”
“He isn’t the bad man people think. I realize he doesn’t always do things that make him appear kind or trustworthy, but that’s only because he was raised in a difficult situation. He was raised by my sister to hide his true parentage, but he wasn’t truly accepted there, and he was a very smart child. He knew he was unwanted there, that he didn’t belong, and it warped him. It forced him to find beauty where he could. I truly believe that with the right people around him, he could get better.”
“That story is similar to my sister’s,” I admitted softly. “My mother was pregnant with my sister when she married my father. He knew that Nem wasn’t his, and he always treated her differently. In fact, when he had my mother killed, he attempted to kill her as well. She was raised the same as Lorien in a lot of ways.”
“And from what I’ve heard of your sister, I would think you’d understand why he is the way he is. They seem to have reacted in a similar way—by hardening, by keeping others away, by recognizing that they could rely on no one but themselves. You trust your sister despite that—why can’t you trust Lorien in the same way?”
“Because my sister didn’t turn her anger against innocents. I won’t pretend she’s a good person. She’ll do whatever she has to to protect those around her, but she doesn’t enjoy hurting people just to cause them pain. She doesn’t see that as beautiful or as art. Instead, the terrible things she does arebecauseshe still loves people, because she cherishes them.”
“Lorien cares as well. Perhaps it’s harder to see, more difficult to identify, but it’s there. Can you explain all that he’s done for you in any other way? He’s never fought with me about anything. He’s always done what he wants to do no matter what my feelings are, but foryou,he has stood his ground.”
“That’s not the same as love and you know it. I saw your face when you talked about your daughter reading with you. It doesn’t matter what other people say about you—you love her, right?”
“Of course I do.”
“Would you hurt her to keep her with you? Would you ignore her feelings and threaten the things she cares about to get your way?”
Pauline didn’t need to answer—her face did it for her.
“That’s the difference. He doesn’t care about what I want, what would make me happy. He sees me as something he wants to have, something he thinks will fix him, and you see me as the same. I lived my life knowing that I’d be given away to whoever my father wanted, that it was my duty to do that, but I was wrong. I watched what that does to people. It destroys them. Lorien doesn’t want me—he wants what he thinks having me will do for him. It might not be power for him, but he thinks I’m going to fix him, that with me, he’ll see the world differently, that he’ll feel differently, and I can’t do that.” I tried so hard to explain it, to get her to hear me.
She wasn’t heartless—it was clear in her expression, in her words. However, seeing something was wrong and being willing to do something about it were two very different things.
And when she sighed, I knew her answer. “I’m sorry. I really wish I could resolve this in a way that would give you what you want, but at the end of the day you’re asking me to prioritize you over my son. You’re asking me to place your wants and happiness over my own son’s life. Can you not see that is an unreasonable expectation? That you place me in an impossible position?”
A crushing weight settled on my shoulders as doubt crept into my mind. I’d come here thinking that because I understood her, that because I’d lived my whole life around people like her, I could make her understand. I’d thought that I’d be able to convince her, that I could speak her language and get her to agree.
However, it wasn’t just a mob boss I spoke to right now. That fact made me pause as I thought back to my mother, to Nem, to the gentle smile as Pauline had thought about her daughter.
I was talking to a woman first and foremost.
“What about your daughters?” I asked.
“What about them?”
“You’re pushing for Lorien because you want him to take over, right?”
“Yes. You’re well aware of how important strong leadership is. I won’t be around forever, and I have to ensure this family does not fall into chaos. That should have been my oldest son, but he didn’t survive, so it falls to Lorien.”
“But why?” At her look, which implied she didn’t understand, I pressed. “Why do you need him to take over? I’vemetyour daughters. Don’t look at me like that—I wasn’t going to come here without a little more information. My point is that they’re both strong, capable women. Why do you need your son to take over?”
“Because it’s always been the sons who take over.”
“But you’ve led this family since your husband passed away, and from what I’ve heard, you’ve done an amazing job.”
“It isn’t uncommon for a woman to run things for short periods of time, until the next-in-line comes of age. I’ve simply kept the family going until Lorien was prepared to take over.”
“Stop putting yourself down. You haven’t just kept the family afloat, you’ve held it together. You’ve weathered all the problems, grown your power and position and assured your family a strong future. Your daughters can do the same because they’ve seenyoudo it. My sister is proof of that. Our family has never been stronger, never in a better place than since she’s taken over.”
