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I thought about it, trying to come up with a reason why it wouldn’t work, but I couldn’t come up with anything. It wasn’t that it would be easy, of course, but it was something.
It was a hell of a lot more than we’d had before, at least.
I glanced up at the house, toward Kenz’s dark window. She’d been the key to finding him, to get this far, but at the same time, she was the thing standing in the way of ending it quickly.
And for the first time, I wished we could all just walk away, could forget this all, but a tightness in my chest assured me it wasn’t possible.
Maybe this was all my punishment for wanting things I didn’t deserve. I might not get what I wanted, but I’d do whatever it took to make sure Kenz could have what she wanted.
She deserved at least that much.
Chapter Two
Kenz
The most amazing thing about humans was how quickly we bounced back, how fast we moved from fear or grief or confusion to our own sense of normalcy.
I’d felt that after the death of my mother, when within a week, I sat at a table, eating dinner and talking about my day like that hadn’t happened. I found the same thing now, when after discovering that Grisham was Lorien, when figuring out just how trapped I was, I tended to the flowers as though nothing had changed.
I dragged my arm across my head, wiping away the sweat.
My trips to the school had been put on hold. I hated that, but I couldn’t really argue with it, either. Now that we realized how much power Lorien wielded, that the school was really his territory, going there wasn’t a great idea.
Plus, I had no desire to see him. I’d ignored his call the night before, unable to even consider hearing his voice—his real voice, because there would be no reason to hide it anymore.
He’d sent a text, telling me he understood and would give me time to come to terms with the truth. He’d told me goodnight, and the words had blurred as tears had threatened to fall.
It felt like since that auction, the noose around my neck had tightened with each passing day. No matter what I did, my options only disappeared, and I had a feeling that anything I did only pushed me closer to the point where I could no longer move, no longer breathe.
Lorien’s words played in my head—not so much about my future, but about Nem.
She’d risked everything for me—I could do no less for her.
What if I went through with what I’d thought about before? I’d tried to turn myself over to Lorien once before, but the men had stopped me, had told me not to do that, and I’d listened.
Weak, as always.
“Don’t you dare.” Hayden’s rough voice made me look up to find him standing beside me, his expression tense. “I know that look on your face, now. You’re thinking about doing something stupid like turning yourself over to Lorien again.”
Maybe the smartest idea was to lie, but I didn’t have the strength. “It’d solve everything, wouldn’t it? You all could have your own lives again and Nem wouldn’t be targeted. I could do my part, and everyone I care about would be safe.”
Hayden sat on the edge of the flowerbed beside me. “You always talk about how we don’t value our lives, but neither do you.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Then why are you always trying to give yourself up? Why do you think you’re worth so much less?”
I sighed and leaned forward. “You don’t get it. I value life so much, and I don’t want to die, to give up my freedom, but I know it’s the only choice I have. If I were someone else, if I were Nem or the Quad or Jarrod, I coulddosomething. I could fight, could protect everyone I love, but I’m not strong enough for that. This is all I’m capable of, the only thing I can do to protect those around me.”
As I said that, the crushing reality of it hit me. It forced more words from my lips. “Ihatethat I’m not strong, that I’m not like everyone else. Nem went through what I did—she was almost killed by our father, but she grew stronger. She came back a force of nature, unwilling to let anything stand in her way. If I were her, I could take on Lorien myself, could do whatever it took to remove him. I’mnother, though. Despite growing up around so many amazing people—I don’t measure up.”
Hayden said nothing at first, and I couldn’t stop the heavy sigh that escaped me. What had I hoped for? That somehow, he’d take away the doubt that had plagued me my entire life? That he’d magically know what to say and I wouldn’t feel the way I felt?
If it had been that easy, wouldn’t I have rid myself of this upset long ago?
“You really don’t see it?” he asked.
I twisted to peer at him, his brows knitted together and his gaze down on the dirt before us.
