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“We’ve all got our preferences for how we accomplish things.”
“I get that, but…I don’t know.What about their families?Do they think about their partners and children before deciding to climb a mountain and chance death?”
“I can’t answer for them, but I would.”
“And you’d still climb the mountain?”
“The majority of climbs are done safely.”
I gesture at the television where the documentary is still playing in the background.“Some aren’t.That guy fell to his death.”
“That guy took greater risks than is usual.”
“And I think that’s the thing.I think the more he risked and survived, the more he risked again.Where does it end?”
Callan turns quiet for a moment.“Are we still talking about these guys or are we talking about me now?”
My heart beats faster.“Where does it end for you?Will you just keep searching for higher highlines?Longer highlines?Will you want to do it more often?”
“I can’t answer that, Liv.I don’t know.”
“If we look at where you started, I think the answer is yes to all of those questions.And then what?Do you move onto other extreme sports?”
He looks at me carefully.“Where are you going with this?”
“I don’t know.”My heart moves into my throat.“All I know is that I can’t stop thinking about you falling to your death.”
His voice is gentle when he replies, “I’m not going to die, Ace.”
“You don’t know that.Accidents happen all the time.”And people die when they shouldn’t.
“I know, but I’m not going to stop living in case I die.”
“And that brings me back to wanting to know where this all ends.”I push up off the couch feeling an intense need to be standing.I feel like there’s a whole lot of air trapped in my lungs right now and sitting is only making the suffocating feeling worse.
Callan frowns.“Where are you going?”
“Nowhere.”I start pacing.“I just need to stand.”
He stands too.“Why?”
“Because I feel like I can’t breathe.You won’t answer my question and I feel like I can’t breathe!”
“I can’t answer your question because I don’t know where this all ends.”
“So, I just have to keep wondering if you’ll suddenly come home one day and tell me you’re going to do something extreme like climb a mountain without oxygen?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“Well, what are you saying?”
He exhales a breath.“Not everyone dies, Liv.You have to let that go.”
It pisses me off when people tell me to let the death of my cousin go.They have no idea of the burden I carry over that.Saying “let it go” diminishes everything I’ve been through.It always makes me feel dismissed, like I’m an idiot for still feeling the way I do.When Callan says it, it’s worse.He knows how I feel about this, so it feels like he’s just torn a jagged cut through my heart.
I step back from him, my body turning rigid.“I don’t have to let anything go.”
“Fuck.”He looks regretful but I barely acknowledge that.I’m too far down in my feelings now.“I don’t want to fight with you over this.I just want you to consider that your cousin’s death affects your rational thinking when it comes to me highlining.Especially considering I take every safety precaution I can.”
