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“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” I murmur hesitantly. Although she asked, I’m afraid of what will happen should I give in.
“Please,” she rasps, and my resolve completely crumbles. I cannot deny her anything, even despite my fear.
I grimace, but my body is already stirring at the thought of pressing my lips against hers. “One kiss,” I say, more of areminder to myself than her. If I start to kiss her, I worry I won’t want to stop, and then I’ll push her too far too soon. I want this action to be repeated in the future, and that won’t happen if things progress too quickly.
“One kiss,” Kai agrees.
Carefully, I take a seat beside her on the bed. Our thighs touch and she tenses, but when I offer her my hand, she immediately takes it, trusting me. I feel her tremble, feel the fear that tries to overrule her, but she bravely faces it down, her fingers tightening in mine until I’m certain she’s stronger than I’ve given her credit for.
She leans in first, and I take it as a sign that she’s ready. I reach up with my other hand and gently cup her jaw, tilting her face up to mine. Her eyes hold mine, focusing on me completely. As my heart beats loudly in my ears, I can hear hers doing the same. I lean down, lingering above her lips until her breath dances across mine. It’s not meant to tease, only to give her a chance to decline. When she does no such thing, I press my lips against hers.
Tingles shoot from her lips to mine, like an electric shock that absorbs through my skin and takes hold. My magic spills from me, making the moisture in the air just as electric. I don’t deepen the kiss. I only let our lips touch and I don’t push any further. I stay there one second, two, three before I pull back just the barest amount and look at her face.
Her eyes are closed, and her lips are parted in such a way that I want to kiss her again. She pulls away from my hand and looks down, only opening her eyes when I can’t see them.
“Thank you,” she whispers, and my shoulders tense.
“Is there anything else you need,amarta?” I ask hesitantly, putting distance between us to give her space, not wanting her to have to reject me. I wouldn’t wish to hurt her that way.
“No,” she murmurs. “I think I’m going to sleep. It’s been a long day.”
I still can’t see her eyes, and despite the pure joy I feel from the kiss, worry begins to scratch at my soul.
“Of course,” I murmur. “I’ll be just outside if you need me.”
I had planned to stay in the cabin with her, but some part of me recognizes that she needs space to sort through her emotions. I want to hold her, to settle on her bed with her and offer warmth, but it feels like that would be pushing too far after so much progress today.
She nods and lies down with her back to me. Only then do I stand and head for the door. I glance back many times to make sure she’s still there, that she’s okay, but she gives nothing away so I slip outside and settle back against the door. Weyland glances at me as I exit, looking to the cabin and back to me.
“Is she okay?” he asks, worry in his voice.
“I don’t know,” I admit with a grimace.
That kiss sings in my soul, and I’m not sure if I should let it.
I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do after all.
Chapter
Twenty-One
KAI
Iwait until I hear the soft shush of the door closing before I give into the emotions boiling inside my chest. The moment he’s gone, the first tear falls, and then another, and then another, until my pillow is stained with them. I clench the blanket between my teeth to stifle my sobs. I know they can hear far more than I can, so I hope it’s enough as I cry silently in my bed, my body curled up tightly to keep myself together.
I feel as if I’m a million broken pieces held together by a string, ready to shatter at any given point, but I don’t cry because of the fear still churning in my gut and wrecking me from the inside. I cry because the kiss felt normal. It felt nice, perfect even, but there was one thing missing—desire.
Am I broken? Have I completely lost every part of me to this fear that eats me alive? Will I ever be able to overcome it?
There’s a connection between Weyland, Dade, Kaito, and me, but that uncontrolled desire I felt long before the king got his hands on me isn’t there. It’s all blocked by the fear that swirls inside me, my past haunting me like a ghost. I felt something, something small, like the barest flicker of a flame, but it was buried beneath the trauma of my past. I can see how it’s beingblocked, how I hold the key, but it’s as if I can’t see the lock keeping it all away. I desperately want them. I desperately want to feel again.
Images flash in my mind. I see the king sneering down at me, my naked body splayed out on the floor. I’d been hopeless, defenseless, and certain that I would die soon and hoping for it. Anything to escape the torture of feeling his hands on me. My body remembers his horrible touch and the feeling of him taking his pleasure out on me before unleashing his anger only a moment later. I was violated in every way until I was nothing but a shell. The fact that it still haunts me makes me flinch, but as I lie on my bed, tears trailing down my cheeks, I remind myself of what I know.
The king is dead. He can never hurt me again.
I am safe here in this cabin, my monsters protecting me outside.
I am cared for by Kaito, Weyland, and Dade.
