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If they can find the strength to fight again, then so can I.
With a shaky breath, I wipe my face with the back of my hand and begin to claw my way out of the memories that haunt me, one image at a time.
Chapter
Twenty-Two
KAI
Ihated sleeping alone last night. They stayed outside of the cabin as if sensing my pain and guilt. I shouldn’t have pushed Kaito for that kiss. Now I worry things are broken between us. Surely, he senses me pulling away. Kaito is an honorable man. He will feel guilty, and shame makes me hide until the sun is high in the sky.
Refusing to be cowed and hide away like I did when I was first here, I force myself to get up and get dressed. When I emerge, they carefully check me over but welcome me with bright smiles. There is some breakfast stew waiting for me, and Weyland hands it over, careful not to touch me, his eyes showing his worry. Dade grins at me and continues tending to the fire, but my eyes seek out Kaito, who is chopping wood. It’s not usually his job, and he seems to be taking his anger out on it. Shame fills me once more at his obvious guilt, yet it does not stop me from appreciating the display of his glistening muscles. They shift as he chops, making my mouth turn dry before I force my gaze away. Shame once more heats my cheeks. I force myself to eat with rhythmic movements of the spoon but I don’t taste it.
I hate this tension. I ruined everything, just like always.
When his shadow falls across me, I stiffen, unable to meet his eyes. Crouching next to me, he lays his big hand near my leg but doesn’t touch me, and I hate the distance. I suddenly hate it so much, I could weep.
“I’m sorry, Kai. I let my desire for you overwhelm my senses. I never should have kissed you. I knew you were not ready. I did not mean to hurt you. Please forgive me.”
When I glance over, his head is bowed and his shoulders are rounded in pain.
“I am the one who is sorry,” I murmur huskily. “I knew better than to push it, but for a moment, when I looked at you, I just wanted to. I wanted to feel alive and normal. I forgot I’m not. I’m sorry that hurt you, but please do not feel guilty. That is and never will be your fault.”
“How about we both agree we are sorry?” he responds, lifting his head, his eyes alight with hope as he watches me.
“I’d like that.” I’d like to be able to move on, and the possibility that something between us could be ruined? I don’t think I could live with that. Kaito was my first helping hand in the dark. He was and is my savior. If that were gone, if I were alone once more in the dark, I might just tumble into that waiting end once more. “How about we forget our jobs today and just go explore once more?”
I hope they say yes. I need to get away from here for a little bit. I need a reminder of why I continue to fight, even when everything seems so dark and hopeless. I need a reminder that there is good in this world, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
“I say yes,” Weyland says.
“I agree,” Dade offers.
“Then let’s do it.” Kaito stands and hesitantly offers me his hand, hope still shimmering in his eyes.
Trying to reclaim this for myself, I lay mine in his and allow him to tug me to my feet.
I keep hold of him for warmth and comfort, needing it more than ever today.
We trekout farther than we ever have. Every time we go to stop, I insist we keep going. Something inside of me demands I push myself to see how far I can go—or maybe I’m just trying to run away from my demons.
“Bacca,” Weyland warns.
“Just a bit longer,” I plead, turning my big eyes on him and watching him weaken. It’s cruel because I know they struggle to deny me, but I can’t go back, not yet, and if you asked, I couldn’t tell you why.
“A little farther, then we can go back and I’ll show you a flower that glows if you disturb it,” Dade offers softly.
All of them obviously sense my feral panic. Kaito is quiet and watching me carefully, and I hate that he’s still blaming himself despite us talking about it.
I pushed it, me, and now he is paying the price.
The king’s mocking voice follows me even now, and no matter how far I go, I can’t seem to outrun it. It’s as if he’s chasing me, even though I know it’s in my mind, but I still speed up my steps.
In my haste, I don’t look where I’m going—another mistake. My feet catch on something, and my eyes dart down to see a tree root sticking up out of the earth.
I fall forward, the ground rapidly approaching my face, and I close my eyes automatically as my hands come up to protect me. Arms suddenly band around me, yanking me to a stop before I can hit the earth.
I breathe a sigh of relief when the arms adjust to hold me more securely, banding across my chest and slipping up to my throat.
