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My hand reaches for the thick stack, reminding me of the thin cut on my brow.
I lift the rubber band and ease out the first letter, the top one, and the one I presume was sent first.
As I flip it over and see my name in her handwriting, the prison address and stamp dated years back, I know, deep down, that whatever I’m about to read will tear another hole in my chest.
Lance,
I came to visit you today, and you turned me away. It’s important you know that I’m not mad. I’m not angry. And I understand.
When Dad died, I felt such guilt, pain and fear. I was so scared. Mostly of pulling you in and then losing you like I lost him. I didn’t have Mum for long, but I know she makes up the patchwork of some of my messiest flaws, too. And then there’s Mase. It all drove me to that moment I told you to leave me that day in the kitchen, and if there’s anything about our love that I’ll never forget, it is the way you loved me even in the moments I didn’t deserve it. Especially in those moments after I pushed you away. I know I’ve never told you this before, but I think you knew. I mean, you didn’t give up.
So, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be here when you’re ready to see me again. I won’t give up.
I’m sorry it’s hard.
I’m sorry this happened.
And I love you.
Don’t bear this guilt, pain, and fear alone for longer than you need to, Lance. Share it with me.
Being apart makes me feel empty inside, but you, your love, our memories… all make me open my eyes and see the very same stars that you do.
Your sunshine, Lance. Always. x
I drop the letter to the counter and run my hands through my hair, pulling at the roots.
“Fuck.”
I read it again.
Again.
Again.
And then I tear into the next.
Lance,
I miss the sound of your voice today. The feel of your chest under my cheek and the laugh that vibrates from beneath it. The smell of my sheets after you leave. The way you’d wrap me in your arms and just hold me without knowing I needed it after a long day.
Our time together wasn’t long enough, and I’m desperately trying to hold on to everything we did have. It can’t be undone—our love was so much more than that—but somehow things fade.
I can’t feel you. I can’t see you. And you’ve never been so quiet.
I don’t know if you’re okay and that kills me a little inside every day.
Speak to someone, Lance. Please.
Your sunshine, always. x
I can’t stop myself as I reach for the next.
Lance,
If this is how it’s going to go, then forgive me for anything I say that might not make sense.
You’ve been gone for two months, and yet it feels like a lifetime.
