Page 18 of The Grand Rise

I can only imagine how you might be feeling, and as I lie in bed at night, all I can think about is how badly you likely need to be held. I’d give anything for a hug.

I can’t imagine the food is very good, but I can promise you everything I’m currently eating tastes like crap. Even cheese. I feel empty without you, as if a piece of me is missing.

I have everyone around me, making sure I’m okay. You saw how Mase was at the trial. He’s not mad at you. He loves you. He understands why you did what you did, and if anything, no matter how tragic it was, he’s grateful you loved me enough to protect me that day.

I wish you’d let us make sure you’re okay. I think the guys are losing their minds over the fact you haven’t let them see you. And this isn’t to make you feel bad or to sway you into seeing them before you’re ready, but I think it’s hurting them. Charlie isn’t himself. He’s driving out to the prison daily and causing all sorts of issues for himself trying to see you. They won’t let him in.

They didn’t know about us, Lance. You were left alone with a responsibility bigger than they ever knew. Especially Mase.

You don’t owe anyone anything. Always remember that. But if you need your friends or happen to think about reaching out, know that they need you just as much. You’re a void that no one could ever replace in this world, and you’re mine. Remember that you are mine, Lance Sullivan, and you are not alone.

Your sunshine, always. x

I set down the letter and stare out through the kitchen window, tears lining my cheeks as they fall in streams.

I never wanted to hurt them. I didn’t think it would. All I wanted was for them to move on.

I never—

My eyes drop to the next letter.

I open it.

I open it for them.

Lance,

I can’t do this without you.

I’m exhausted. I’m broken, and it hurts, and I’m not okay.

I need you.

Please. x

“Baby, no.” I rub my hand over my chest, reading her words over and over. “No.”

The paper tears as I fight the next letter from the envelope.

Lance,

I wish there were an easier way. A different one where you take me somewhere special on the back of that bike, and I tell you something that would heal the broken parts of us both. Maybe that’s expecting too much, but everything you gave me of you, everything you taught me about myself, showed me the man that you are.

The father you’d be.

So… I think you’d take me somewhere special on the back of that bike, and I’d tell you that I’m three months pregnant with our child, and you’d come alive all at once. You’d smile, Lance, and you’d be happy and silly and stupid. And then you’d hold me and tell me how incredible I am. You’d make sure I know it, too. You’d kiss me until it hurts, and we’d not leave that special place until the sun went down.

And we wouldn’t be afraid.

I wouldn’t be afraid with you by my side.

We would mend those broken parts together.

I need you to let me in now.

Please, Lance.

I can pretend and dream and write these letters for a lifetime, but I need you to tell me it’s okay, and that I don’t need to be afraid. Because I’m terrified of doing this alone.

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