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Just tell me it’s going to be okay.
I love you.
Your sunshine. xx
The letter drifts to the counter.
I swallow, shaking my head as I step back. On autopilot, I run through the house, up the stairs, and into my room. I frown at my trembling hands as I search the pockets of my jeans for the keys to my bike, the tips of them feeling numb.
When I reach the front door, I grab my helmet, my mind running, confused—lost, as I pull it over my head and fumble to secure the clasp under my chin. “Fuck!”
My shoe connects with the stones underfoot, sending them spraying over my bike. Even in the early evening dusk, I can see the imperfections in the black paint.
Throwing my leg over the seat, I quickly take off out of the drive, not bothering or caring to lock up or close the gates behind me.
I don’t feel the roaring of my engine as it vibrates beneath my thighs. I’m not sure I can even feel my hands anymore. The only thing I can feel is the thundering beat of my heart.
You’d take me somewhere special on the back of that bike, and I’d tell you I’m three months pregnant with our child.
I shake my head, picking up speed and skipping a light as I head out of the city. “There’s no way—no.”
It can’t be true.
It can’t.
I need you to tell me it’s okay, and that I don’t need to be afraid. Because I’m terrified of doing this alone. Just tell me it’s going to be okay.
Tears blur myvisionas I pull onto the back roads.
I blink them away.
The father you’d be.
The father you’d be.
“No.”I hit the side of my head. “No, no, no, no.” My voice roars in the confines of my helmet as everything I am, everything I wanted to be as a man, shatters into a million broken pieces.
I take another winding bend in the road, and my back wheel loses its grip, the bike weaving as I correct it. I grit my teeth and go faster.
I have to be there.
I need to be there.
I pick up my speed, the trees flashing past, the tarmac burning as I hold firm on the throttle.
And we wouldn’t be afraid.
I wouldn’t be afraid with you by my side.
“Fuck.” I slam my closed fist down onto the bed of my bike. “I’m sorry,” I cry out, knowing it’ll never be enough. “Let me take it back.” I suck in a breath, trying to fill my lungs as they’re squeezed tight. “Let me take it all back. Please. Pleas—”
A flash of light blinds me. I reach for my brake, desperate in that final second to pull back a shred of control, but nothing can stop it from slipping away from me.
I see the lights coming and swerve. I feel myself fall, the bike sliding out from under me.
I feel nothing when it hits me.
FIVE
