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“I don’t think you need me to tell you why this isn’t working. It doesn’t matter what this is for him. It isn’t a phase foryou. You’re sleeping with someone you’ve been in love with for years—how can that not affect you?” Olive stressed.
“I just…I thought I could mind-over-matter it. That I could take it as it was. But it’s fucking killing me.” He confessed the last few words in a harsh whisper, the truth even more painful than the lies he’d been telling himself for months.
Olive placed a gentle hand on his back. “Yeah. It’d be killing me, too.”
They sat there a while in silence, the world heavy on Ishir’s shoulders.
“You need to talk to him,” Olive said softly. “Lay it all out there. I know you’re scared, but this has the potential to fuck up your friendship.”
“I know. I know.” He took a deep breath. “Thanks. I needed to hear that.”
“Yeah. Any time. Let me know how it goes, yeah? I mean, you don’t have to, but…if you need to talk about it.”
Ishir wanted to cry all of a sudden. He’d gotten himself into this fucking mess, but there were people around him willing to help. Friends beyond what he had with Zee. “Thanks. I will.”
The drive home was sombre. He didn’t turn on the radio or put on one of his playlists. He navigated the New York traffic in a haze, head so full he could barely think.
“Hey,” Zee greeted as Ishir walked slowly into the living room. “Where were you? I’ve been texting. You feel like abibimbapbowl for tonight? I seriously can’t handle another of those nutritionist meals.”
Ishir stared at him, words crowding his stomach, his throat, feeling like they were going to spill out of him like vomit.
He sat beside Zee on the couch, twisting his hands in his lap.
Zee shifted. “Hey. You okay?”
Ishir swallowed. “No. Not really.”
“What happened? Did someone—what is it?” Zee asked urgently.
“I…I can’t do this anymore,” Ishir confessed, voice a rasp.
“Do…what?”
“This.” He gestured between them. “This whole thing where we fuck and don’t even—it’s weird that we don’t talk about it. We’re supposed to be best friends, Zee. Supposed to take care of each other or whatever, but this is…”
Zee let out an audibly shaky breath. “Oh.”
“I mean, is this fine for you?”
“I…I mean…” Zee opened and closed his mouth a few times, but nothing else came out.
“Tell me what this is for you. I need to know—is it a game? A phase? A bit of fun?” Ishir demanded.
Zee seemed unable to speak, the silence lengthening.
Ishir was drowning. “Are you straight? Like—would you even be in a relationship with an Alpha?”With me, he couldn’t say.
“I…I don’t know. I know I’m not straight. It’s just…” Zee trailed off.
Ishir covered his face with his hands, pain rocking through him.
It’s just what? It’s just that you don’t want me?
“I know you never promised me anything. That it’s been pretty clear from the beginning that this isn’tromantic. But it’s fucking me up that you see me as something to fuck, and not someone to love.”
Zee choked on a hurt sound. “That’s not—that’s not true.”
“No?” Ishir lowered his hands, gaze locking with Zee’s.
