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Zee closed his eyes. “Even you saying his name makes me wanna punch his face in.”
“Zee…I seriously, seriously don’t understand what you’re even saying. Like, what? You’re jealous of people who have sex with me? So what? I’d be jealous of people who had sex withyou. It’s called having feelings for someone. If youactuallyfelt something for me, you would have been a little more receptive to me literally confessing my fucking love to you,” Ishir argued.
“It’s not just beingjealous. I want toownyou. I want you to wear my come on your skin. I want to bite you where everybody can see. Want to mark you. I’d fucking do itanywhere. Every time someone touches you, I want to bend you over and fuck you in front of them so both of you knowyou’re mine.”
Zee’s words were like arrows whistling by Ishir’s face, one after the other. “I need to sit down,” he croaked, stumbling to the couch.
Zee took a few steps forwards but didn’t join him.
Ishir took a breath. “Are you, like, under the impression that I don’t know this about you? That you’ve been subtle about what a possessive idiot you are?”
Zee opened his mouth. Closed it again.
“Because let me tell you, everybody knows. I get chirped about it all the time. Bergy once said you’d pee on me if I let you, and, honestly, it’s probably true.”
Zee’s face flushed. “So you know I’m not normal.”
“What the hell is normal? Like…who cares? That isn’t the problem. The problem is that you’ve had me for years, and even when I tell you I love you, you don’t do shit with it. You’re so stuck in your little narrative that you didn’t even think of just talking to me about it.”
Zee blinked rapidly, visibly trying to take that in.
Ishir sighed. He didn’t know what to feel, one emotion melting into another, and another, until everything was muddied and tangled.
Finally, Zee sat next to him. His eyes were gentle, but his tone was a blunt instrument. “It’s not so easy as that, Zam. Like…it’s scary, feeling like that. That level of rage, of…ofdestruction. I would never hurt you—you know I wouldn’t.”
“I know,” Ishir assured.
“But sometimes I look at you and I just want to dig my fingers into your skin and scoop your insides out and fucking…eat them, just so you’ll be part of me. I want to wake up every morning scenting you and go to sleep every night doing the same. I wanna make people grossed out by how much you smell like me. How much we smell like each other.”
Was Ishir supposed to be put off by that? Would a sane person see that as a red flag instead of something to desire? “That’s not so scary to me, you know.”
“Well, it was scary to feel when I was fucking…seventeen and terrified my best friend would go to the NHL without me and leave me behind. When I was eighteen, nineteen, and worried about the friends you were making, wondering if they were better than me, if you liked them more, obsessing so bad I couldn’teat.”
“Jesus, Zee,” Ishir blurted, concern rearing. He took Zee’s hands, squeezing them until Zee locked eyes with him. “Was it that bad?”
Zee shook his head, but his smile was wry. “Not for you. And I’m happy about that, obviously. But you can’t sit here and tell me I should have just told you how I felt when I’ve wanted you so much more intensely all my life. I get that you love me—I believe you—but it’s not likethis. Every time I jerk off, I think of you. Every time I havesex. It’s…it’s not normal.”
Ishir lifted their hands, pressing them to his forehead. The whiplash of emotion had left him sore and dizzy.
Yes, he’d always known Zee was protective, but he’d had no idea how much he was suffering due to it.
“Don’t you think…” Ishir ventured, “that maybe it got so bad because you thought it wasn’t reciprocated? Because—I get that it’s a lot, what you feel. And there have been moments when you’ve crossed a line. But you don’t stop me from having friends or going out. It’s not toxic. I think if youknewI was yours, you wouldn’t obsess over it so much.”
Zee chewed on his lip. “But what if it doesn’t calm down? What if we get together and I’m justworse?”
“Well, if you do something I don’t like, I’ll fucking tell you, won’t I? And if you don’t stop, I’ll kick your ass. Simple as that.”
Zee croaked out a wobbly laugh. “Are you really okay with it, though? My whole…thing?”
Ishir debated whether to admit the whole truth, but Zee deserved it. “Ilikeit. The things you say in bed, and the way you scent me, and that you want to mark me…I fucking want that so bad ithurts.”
Zee gaped at him. “For real?”
“What pissed me off was your refusal to be in a relationship with me while doing all those things. It’s different if we’re together. If I tell you I like something…bring it the fuck on, Zee. For real.”
Zee sat with that. “It’s hard for me to process that,” he said eventually. “I’ve been beating myself up about this shit for a long time. This past year…Jesus. Letting you go after all that was fuckingkillingme. Thinking about who you were with, what you were doing…”
“And yet you let me have my space.”
