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My hand slapped my face, attempting to cover my humiliation. “Did I say that out loud?”
“Like five times,” Xavi laughed. “You really wanted it. So what is it?”
“Don’t ask me that shit, Xav! Look it up on the internet like everyone else.”
“No, tell me! God, you weren’t this shy last night.”
“Why do you care? You gay?” I narrowed my eyes at him.
He only grinned.
Mortified. Gay sex chats with my brother weren’t my thing. He might have gotten me to open up about it initially and he talked me through some of my logistical concerns, but now that part was over and this didn’t need to be a topic of conversation.
“Madd!”
“Ugh, it’s when you both fuck each other.”
“Like—”
“Yes, like that,” I cut in. “No strict top or bottom. Switching. Don’t make me elaborate.”
“Hawt,” Xavi said, nodding. “So he tops for a bit and then you flip him over and—”
“Fuck off, Xavi.”
He couldn’t help but laugh again. “I’m proud of you, Madd.”
“Why?”
“Because. When we showed up there, you were going wild. You jumped Devon the second you saw him, and I swear you would have fucked him right there in front of everyone.”
Really glad I didn’t do that. No matter how hot his dream about it was, I had no intention of sharing the sight of my man.
“You’ve just come a long way is all. Jeff and Heidi said you were only interested in where Devon was. You love that fucker for real, don’t ya?”
“Unfortunately,” I said, smirking.
“Happy for you. But like, you don’t even look at anyone else anymore?”
Why the hell were we having this conversation? “Is this what you wanted to chat about? Jesus, Xavi.” Gay chats about sex and then the relationship chat? What was going on?
“Just answer me.”
My god. “No, I don’t look. It’s not that I wouldn’t, it’s just that no one else draws my attention like he does. Not just his body, but like…” Lame. Whatever I was about to say was lame. “Nevermind.”
“I wanna hear it. Say it. I’m interested.”
“Why?” I studied him.
“I’ll tell you later. Just explain it to me.”
Sketchy. But if he wanted to hear it, I’d say it. “No one will ever look at me with the same level of challenge as Devon does, you know? Like sometimes, it’s not even his body that turns me on. It’s the way he says something, or the way he clenches his jaw when he’s pissed at me. The way he tries and fails at so many things. It’s more about what he puts out there than what he looks like. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah, kinda.”
Might as well go on. “I used to hook up before, right? I liked the way she looked, got horny, and got invested in it because it was a way to get off. That’s not shade to anyone I’ve been with before, but it’s not what I like now. With Devon, his entire demeanour fucks with me. He doesn’t just put out vibes like he’s down to fuck. He either pisses me off, fucks with me, challenges me, or forces me to want to fuck him. One look from him and I don’t get the chance to justsuccumbto it like I used to do with everyone else. He… controls me so much that I don’t even have a choice with him. It’s not just sex, it’s like connecting with him on all levels. And I don’t mean that in the romantic bullshit kind of way, but the matched energy, same level of challenge, fight until the death kind of way.”
I looked at my brother, feeling like a loser for admitting all that. But Xavi didn’t look like he was about to make fun of me. He looked like he was taking it all in, trying to fit it to something in his life.Wait, what?
