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Month Four
Stuckinperpetualawakeness,I couldn’t shut my brain off in the middle of the night. The case dragged on, even though it’d been expedited. Madd’s lawyer was pretty confident that the new information, now obtained legally because of Hanes, would get him out, or at the very least, let him come home for the duration of the trial.
Davis had been arrested, but because there still wasn’t enough evidence to charge him for anything other than breaking house arrest, he wasn’t held for long. That meant he got to continue his house arrest, though his phone, laptop, and tablet were being monitored. Didn’t stop that bitch from sending an ‘it’s hot here’ message to the number for my dad. That was a warning if I’d ever seen one. Once again, my dad got away with it because no one could find him. I’d never taken him for a smart criminal, but fuck, he continually proved me wrong with this whole clusterfuck.
I swung my legs over the side of Maddox’s bed, my hard dick irritating me because I didn’t want it to be hard. I grabbed my phone and pulled up a few photos of Maddox, just like I’d been doing for the past four months. I started to jerk off without much hope.
I missed the taste of him, the feel of his hands on my body, and the entirely dominating way he grabbed me. I missed him calling me out on everything, reminding me I was dumb more often than not, and laughing at me for fucking up dinner. I missed the feel of his eyes on me when he didn’t think I was paying attention, and the little scowl he’d give me whenever I caught him.
I stroked my dick. The pleasure was there, but it wasn’t enough to get me off.
I missed his t-shirt tan lines and the dark skin on the back of his neck. I missed the way he spread out in bed like he had a right to the whole thing, even if he held me tight to make sure I didn’t go anywhere. I even missed his loud-ass mind when he overthought something to the point of waking me up with the whirring of his brain.
The look in his eyes when he came. The way he licked his bottom lip before biting it…
My cock throbbed in my hand.
I missed all of him. His energy and demeanour, the shitty texts he messed up sending, and his presence in my space.
“Fuck!” I seethed, letting go of my dick. Tears sprung up on me instead, and an overflowing agony filled me so much it poured through my eyes just for relief.
I hadn’t been able to jerk off for months, and to be honest, I didn’t even care. My heart wasn’t in it. How could something feel good when Maddox suffered? I hung my head in my hands, not even capable of containing my sobs. For the majority of my life, my day started and ended with Maddox. At first, he was my childhood friend, and I looked up to him, following his lead. Then he became the enemy, the only rival I ever pitted myself against, and once that started, everything became about messing with him. I’d think of things to do to him when he wasn’t even around, and I’d compare myself to him after every competition, on or off the track. I compared my jobs, my life, and myself to everything he did, and while it mostly angered me, it was still all about him.
Then I fell in love with him.
I was lost now.
My mind liked to conjure up the way he used to look months ago to how he looked now. Hollow, hopeless, and unwilling to fight. I hated it. Fucking hated it. He’d always been the one to rise to a challenge, and now he gave up like he had no fight left in him. I needed him to keep fighting, just a little bit longer.
Rubbing my eyes, I stared at the photo of Maddox on his bike, smiling one of those rare smiles that had only ever been meant for me. I saved it as my screensaver a long time ago, but he kept changing it to one of both of us.
Needing to hear it myself, I said, “I fucking promise you, Maddox. I’m getting you out of there.”
Because I wasn’t the guy who neglected his boyfriend anymore. I wasn’t the loser who didn’t have his priorities straight. I wasn’t dumb and impulsive when it came to Maddox’s life, and I wasn’t ungrateful for anything I had.
But this was a whole new low for me, and I needed help.
I pressed the phone to my ear and took a deep breath when my brother answered. “Nate, I’m not okay.”
Because a very large part of me, a part I’d been fighting and hiding from since I was a teen, wanted to drown this pain in a bottle of anything I could get my hands on and shoot bliss straight into my arm to chase it all away.
“I’m coming,” Nate said. “Right now. Hold on, Devon. Just hold on”
Inthemidstofthis whole fucking mess, I’d lost pretty much everything. The trailer, our trucks, most of our possessions, Maddox’s phone, and our dirt bikes. Before I sold his phone for basically nothing, I sent all the pictures and conversations to my phone so I could look at them whenever I wanted to. Lawyers were expensive, and now that we had a better one, I’d sell whatever organs I didn’t need to make sure Maddox won.
Nate and Xavi helped with money whenever they could. Our dream shop suffered for it. Our money went to Maddox’s case instead of being reinvested in the shop. We needed so many new tools, a new lift, and the garage doors needed to be fixed, but both Nate and Xavi had assured me that none of that was important. Seth helped where he could, too. He didn’t have much money, but he took it upon himself to always be a few steps ahead with the case, and he took care of Naomi when the rest of us couldn't. Xavi had even sold his truck to help pay.
I had no home, no vehicle, no hobby, and barely any clothes. I didn’t have Maddox.
“Here,” Nate said, handing me a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. “It’s not booze, but it might help.”
I rolled down the passenger window, lit a smoke, and tried to give myself a little credit that I hadn’t swallowed a bottle of whiskey. Nate drove us through the night, not really going anywhere specific, but not heading home either. Soft rock played quietly, but the wind from my window overpowered it.
“What’s going on, Dev? Talk to me.”
“I’m breaking,” I admitted, watching the darkness through the window.
“You’re allowed to break, Dev, but you aren’t allowed to shatter. Madd needs you.”
