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The half-moon came into view as we cleared a treed area. I watched the reflection of it against the ocean while Nate drove along the coast. Sucking on the cigarette, I tried to put my thoughts in order.
“I failed him. I failed him over and over and over again. So many fucked up things have happened to him because of me.”Here I go, sounding like a broken record again.
“Stop taking the blame for Dad,” Nate snapped.
I knew it was my dad, but indirectly through me, Maddox suffered. “And now he’s in fucking prison, Nate. He’s rotting away in there, losing hope, giving up, and thinking he deserves it for some reason. Like he’ll pay this price if it means I’m safe, and I don’t deserve that. I don’t want him to pay any price!” Tears sparked. “And now he’s telling me to move on and… no, I can’t. I can’t move on. I won’t. I don’t even want to think about that.” The moon became blurry and too bright through my wet vision. “I won’t.”
“Fucking right you won’t,” Nate agreed. “He’s just in a dark place right now. Which means you have to be the one to lift him back up. This is just his way of trying not to get his hopes up too high about this new trial.”
“How, though? How do I lift him up when I can barely keep myself standing? I can’t promise him anything, and he knows it. This is all a major question mark, and everything is in the hands of the court.”
“Hanes will come through. We’ve got two good lawyers now, and we haveevidence. Madd is getting out of there, and when he does, you make damn sure he knows how loved he is.”
“Then what? Even if he gets out, Dad is still out there, able to take him away from me anytime he damn well pleases.”
“We can’t worry about that right now. Focus on the trial. One thing at a time.”
I finished the smoke and tossed it out the window, lighting another one just to have something to do with my hands. “I saved the number Gary used to contact him.”
I saved it in my phone and stared at it for months, wondering if I should call it and face off against my dad.
“Devon, don’t. Leave the number alone until this is over. Madd’s trial is in four days. Don’t do anything to fuck it up before then.”
“I won’t,” I promised, meaning it. “I need to sell something else to buy Madd a suit for court.”
“Seth said he found one for him.”
Good, because apart from my soul, I had nothing left to sell. I was broke, homeless, bordering on becoming an alcoholic, and full of vengeful rage. I was heartbroken, suffering, guilty, and weakening by the day. All of that was going to have to be good enough, because it’s all I had left. If this trial didn’t work, I’d have to start making deals with devils to get Maddox out.
“Dev?” Nate said. “I’m proud of you.”
I cried again. As much as I appreciated the sentiment, pride didn’t get me anywhere. I needed action, and I needed to thank my brother for picking me up in the middle of the night to keep me from drinking myself stupid and stealing Naomi’s pills.
“Four days, Devon. He’s coming home in four days.”
He better because I didn’t think I could live five days without him.
29
-Maddox-
Month Four - two days before trial
Silencedidn’texistinthis place. I welcomed it. Even the clank of bars, the shouting of other inmates, and the constant shuffling sounds of the guards became too quiet. Silence encouraged my mind to wander, and these days, it didn’t wander anywhere nice. It sunk into depravity and reminded me that there was a very good chance I’d be living here forever.
A life without Devon.
I settled on my back and stared at the photo of Devon pinned to the bunk above me. I didn’t leave it there, afraid someone would mess with it, but whenever I had a moment to myself, I looked at him and tried not to cry.
Seeing him every other day in the visitor’s lounge wasn’t enough for me. I needed to touch him. Fuck, I’d do anything to touch him. I missed when he used to smile for real, but these days, all he gave me were fake smiles meant to encourage me to keep going. I loved him for trying to give me hope, but how long was I supposed to let this go on for? If things didn’t work in my favour in two days, I’d have to let him go.
It’d shatter me, crush my soul into tiny fragments of dust, and turn my heart as black as my mind was becoming. But I’d do it to set him free. Devon didn’t deserve to spend the rest of his life pining after a guy in prison. I needed to break his heart in order to set him free, and after a few months of pain, he’d start to get better. What was love without a little sacrifice?
“Kane,” the guard shouted, appearing in the open door of my cell. “Visitor.”
My cellmate leaned his head over the bunk, grinning at me. “Boyfriend again?”
I ignored him, hating that he even knew I had a boyfriend. I’d never been ashamed of being with a guy, even when the whole thing confused me, but I feared it here. Being gay in a place like this wasn’t the easiest thing, but for whatever reason, my cellmate kept my secret. I shoved the photo of Devon under my pillow, hoping this dipshit wouldn’t touch it again. He did once, and I punched him in the eye for it. He never ratted me out for that either.
