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“Are you sure that he will want to see me?”
Dad agreed and I didn’t know if he was right or not, but he sure made me feel like anything was possible and this could all end in a good way. I wasn’t sure if that was right or not, but I wanted it to be.
I asked him how I was supposed to tell Frank about what was going on. I was pregnant with his baby, and we hadn’t spoken in months since he ran out on me.
“You just tell him, honey. I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but you seemed to communicate just fine while we were visiting. What happened?”
I sighed. “Let’s just say that he found out what happened to me while I was gone, saw the marks and he left. He had this look of horror on his face, it didn’t look that bad, but there are scars. I guess that wasn’t what he signed up for.” I stopped talking because really, what was I supposed to say? It was singularly one of the worst moments of my life and I never wanted to think about it again. I wished that things would have been different, but I knew now that telling Frank anything was going to be difficult.
“He saw your marks and ran?” Dad asked. I couldn’t tell if he was mad or not, but I agreed because that was what had happened. Maybe I wanted some insight from a man’s point of view. I didn’t want to keep talking to mom about it. I needed a man’s opinion and since dad knew him pretty well, I was hopeful for a reason that I couldn’t understand.
“Yeah, it was…” I stopped talking because I didn’t want to say it out loud. I instead just said that it was not a good time to leave, and he just took off when he saw more of them. “He must have found me damaged or something. I don’t know.”
Dad sighed and shook his head. “He hates himself for what happened, Amber, it’s not you. He was supposed to keep you safe, and he failed. That mess put a lot between the two of you and maybe if you didn’t have a baby coming, you could walk away from it all. You do have a baby coming and soon. You need to give him the chance to be a man.”
I was surprised to hear dad talk like that, but I could see that he’d taken it personally. I didn’t know what to say, how to say it. I was still mad at him for how he acted, humiliated really, and it would be hard to see him again. Dad was right though, I had to, if not for him and myself, for our unborn child that deserved a mother and a father. Frank would be a good father, I was sure of it, but how would he react? He had a precedent of reacting badly.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Just write a letter, Amber, which was always the best way for you. Slow it down, think about it and see what comes out. It will be right, whatever it is.”
I thanked him for his words, but I still was amazed how romantic he was. Maybe that was where I got it from. It was unrealistic in these circumstances, but I had to give it a try. I owed my baby that much.
* * *
“Dear Frank,
I know that this may be weird, me writing to you after everything that has happened between us, but what else can I do? I haven’t seen you in months and I miss you. I know that you are upset with how things worked out, but I wish that you would talk to me. Just tell me what is going on with you. I miss you, Frank. I miss you and I am ready to move on to the next chapter for us. I know that you may not think that there is one, but there is.
This isn’t the way that I wanted to tell you what is going on with me, but you refuse to see me or talk to me, so this is how I will tell you about the child that we started, that grows inside of me to the point I will burst. Soon, he or she will be out into the world, and I can’t imagine raising our son or daughter without you. Whatever holds you back from seeing me, please change it because I miss you, and it won’t be long at all before our care for each other will change.
I love you, Frank. You were my first and I want you to be my last. Come back to me, tell me what is the matter and we can work through it together. We won. We survived, so why does it feel like we have lost everything?
Love Always,
Amber”
24
Frank
Igot the note from Amber, and I read it and reread it. I thought about her constantly, but nothing had made me pick up the phone or stop and knock on her door. I had driven by her house many times, and a lot of those times she was away somewhere. I wasn’t sure what was going on with Amber. I’d lost my chance with her or at least that’s what I thought.
Amber had sent the letter to the base that I worked out of last. It had taken some time to get to me, about two weeks from the postmark on the letter. That just meant that she would be having the baby soon. If I did a little math, I knew that she was about a month off or less. I didn’t know what to think of this change of events, but I didn’t have any more time to think about it. That was a blessing, because all I’d been doing was overthinking everything and not coming up with anything. Maybe action would be better, it couldn’t be any worse.
I had to go to her. That was the first thought, even though I still wasn’t able to wrap the whole I’m about to be a dad thing in my mind. I knew that it could happen, obviously, but I didn’t realize that it would happen with her. She was the only one that I would want to have a child with, but how could I look at her, knowing what I’d let happen? She would always be a reminder of my failure and I didn’t want that.
I cursed myself and the choices I’d made since meeting Amber, hell since getting the first letter. While I can’t say that I would ever take back meeting her, the years of letters and the intimacy that we had together, I can’t say the same for her sake. I had been a sledge hammer to her life. I knew that. I wanted to make it right, but would I just make it worse? I think that was my biggest fear.
* * *
Once I madethe decision to go, it wasn’t a hard one. I wanted more than anything to see Amber, I had wanted to since this all started. Feeling her in my arms right before Tony had run off with her was the best feeling in the world. I wanted it back, though I don’t know if it could ever be the same again. What had I done?
I hoped that I had the same feeling about her this time. I missed her, but would it just be the sight of her with bruises that riled me up? That was what I saw in my head right now, what I knew to be there.
Halfway there, I’m ashamed to admit that I almost turned around. I had to travel quite a distance to see her, and I’d taken time off, but I still had this feeling like I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next.
Then, I was at her house, and she wasn’t there alone. I saw a couple of other vehicles and one of them was her dad’s truck. This was turning out to be more than I bargained for. Again, I almost turned around because what was I going to say to her? I had no idea and now I was going to have to do it in front of people. That didn’t sound fun at all.
