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As if I said the words out loud, the other three kneel on the ground in front of me where Eve is straddling my lap and shaking like a damn leaf.
We messed up.
"What's going on in your head, Eve?"
She sniffles and tries to pull her face out of my hand, but I won't budge. We are a family, and we are in this together. No more hiding. I'm too preoccupied with Eve to care about the tears still dripping down my cheeks. No more hiding.
"I'm so sorry!" Her wail rips my chest open in agony. She screws her eyes shut. "I-I can't give you a family, and I'm too broken!"
It's no secret that the guys and I want kids, we've been talking about it here and there with and in front of Eve. I think because there is no more threat and an entire future ahead of us, our excitement about the life we have always wanted has clouded our perceptions.
How long has she known?
We have noticed that she doesn't like to talk about goals and plans, so we quieted down a bit on the future talk...but we don't even know what she wants in life. I think we all assumed that somewhere down the road, there would be minis running around the house and swimming in the pool out back.
What does Eve want?
"Baby, do you want kids?"
I hold my breath, watching her eyes flick back and forth between my shoulders. I can tell she's working something out in her mind, so we all wait with bated breath while she gathers her thoughts.
A teeny nod.
"Words." My eyes flick to a sickly-looking Ryan at my feet before quickly reverting my attention back to my girl.
"I do-I did. I want a family, but they-they took that away from me!"
There she is.
Shoving off my lap, I let her go, not because I'm afraid of the fire she's radiating but because a flame needs air to roar.
The guy’s scramble to get out of her way and sit on the couch to watch her as she paces back and forth in front of the sectional. All her tears have dried up, replaced with a passion only my Evie harbors.
"I want a family. I want to give you guys a family. I want a future, but I don't know what that even looks like. I know the future I wanted when I was seventeen, except I don't know what future I want now. I don't know who I am, and how am I supposed to figure that out when I am so damn broken?" Her voice rises with each word, making our postures straighten to attention.
"Tell us about the future you wanted, Angel." She doesn't stop her rapid steps. Her response is the indication we need to know that she heard Amiri.
"I wanted to get a degree in psychology! I was going to be the person to help survivors and victims, but then I became the victim!"
"And do you still want to do that?" Korren asks.
"I don't know! How can I help someone when I can hardly help myself? There are so many people out in the world struggling and not enough therapists to help them. How do I take this," she gestures to herself in wild fury while growling, "and guide people to a better future?"
"By doing it for yourself, baby girl." Ryan's voice is so gentle, I melt a little at the way he's handling this situation.
She stops moving, her hair in disarray around her shoulders. "I'm scared. What if I can't help anyone and I leave them doomed?"
"Areyoudoomed?"
She whirls on me, her eyes alight with indignation. "No, I am not doomed!" God, she's fucking beautiful.
"Would you do everything in your power to help someone?"
"Of course!" She snaps, furious that there would be any other answer.
"Do you want to help people?" I keep pushing. I know her enough to know that she will keep going in a downward spiral unless we push her to start thinking about the right questions.
"Yes, I want to help people, but I have to be good enough for them! I'm not!"
