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I inhale sharply, realizing what I’ve just done.
I’ve always hated seeing Jade in pain. Every time she’d get in petty fights with NSC girls, I’d be the one fixing her. Every time she was in danger, I was right behind her, making sure nothing happened to her.
I’ve seen her bruised and bleeding. I’ve wiped the blood away from the scar she has on her temple. I watched it heal and scolded her for putting herself in trouble again.
I’ve seethed countless times when she would get furious and slap a man twice her size in the face. Always protecting her, always suffering in silence when she got herself hurt.
We live in a town that breaks every single one of us on the daily. I’ve got more scars on my body than I can count, but the scar that has always hurt the most is the one she left on my heart without even knowing.
How long can one keep sane when loving someone who has no idea about it?
My gaze roams over her face. If her lips weren’t already split and swollen, I would have captured her mouth already. It takes everything in me not to.
Just like it took everything in me to let her date Ethan when we were in high school. I wanted to give her a chance to choose who would make her happy.
But the longer they dated, the more I knewIwas the one who would make her happier.
I feel the way my jaw twitches uncontrollably. My molars are grinding.
“Don’t say you love me,” Jade whispers. “Please.”
I let my head drop against the top of hers, my fingers gripping her hips tighter. I have to hunch over to be able to keep my hands on her. Because her head doesn’t even reach my shoulders and her hips reach the top of my thighs. That’s how fucking ridiculous our height difference is.
“My love,” I chuckle. “You don’t understand.” I breathe in her smell of cigarettes and apples.
I want her to know. I’m done manipulating her into being mine. Ineedher to know.
“Do you know when I memorized apple lollipops were your favorite?”
She hesitates, and I feel her head shakenounder my chin. My eyes are on the road behind the window as I go down memory lane.
“On the last day of second grade, I was with Ethan’s mom at the convenience store. She was buying cigarettes. There was a long line, and you were at the front with your dad. We were all the way at the back. You asked your dad if you could have an apple lollipop. He told you he would buy it if he had any money left after buying the little he’d gotten for dinner. He counted his change to pay for the groceries. He paid for them and then, to my surprise, pulled out a roll of cash and bought I don’t know how many scratch offs. It felt like a hundred in my eyes.”
I’d known Jade for less than a year. She was a grade below me. She was shy at school, like Ethan. They were the same year, so they just sat together all the time in silence.
“I just couldn’t understand why he bought all those and not your lollipop. He told you he’d get it as soon as he won more money. You waited so patiently as your dad stepped to the side to play, and the line moved forward. I remember you shifting on your feet, quiet, with your wide green eyes stuck on that fucking candy. I was the impatient one, waiting and waiting for you to get your treat as the line got shorter and I got closer to you.”
God knows I would have thrown the tantrum of my fucking life in her place. Getting what I want is the only way I function.
“He bought some more, cutting in front of people, cursing every time he lost. And you were just there, being so good. I just didn’t understand how you could be so sweet and still. The A/C was blowing on your high pigtails. Your hair wassocurly back then. And your only movements were to get them out of your face.”
That day is the most vivid memory I have of my childhood years.
“He lost again. Just as I got to the front of the line, he grabbed you by the wrist and dragged you away. Your little legs struggled to keep up with him, but you still did. You didn’t understand why he was so angry. Your naïve mind thought he was annoyed he couldn’t buy you the candy. And with your high-pitched voice, you said, ‘Don’t be sad, Daddy. We can get the lollipop another time.’”
She’s quick to defend her dad. She loved him like nothing else in this world. She misses him every day, I know it. I know it because it was my shoulder she cried on when he killed himself.
“So, my dad spent a lot of money on scratch offs. It’s basically a scheme made to rob poor people by dangling a dream over their head. I don’t…I don’t even remember what you’re talking about, Elliot. It wasn’t a big deal.”
“But I remember,” I grit out. “Becausethat’swhen I fell in love with you. The pureness of your heart clung to me. It left a mark I’ve been trying to get rid of since. And I failed. Your wholesomeness gripped me that day, and it never let me go, Jade. From that moment on, everything you did was like a call to worship.”
I close my eyes, appreciating the fact that I’m currently holding the woman I love in my hands.
“I begged Ethan’s mom to buy an apple lollipop that day. I—”
“Brought it to school. You gave it to me. I remember that because Ethan said you never did nice things for him. He wanted to know why you did something nice forme.”
“Yeah. And you said they were your favorite. That smile on your face…fuck me, that smile, Jade. The most beautiful thing known to man.” I huff, knowing that her reaction was the reason I started doing so much shit to get her.
