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“That’s your mom,” Elliot repeats, as if to confirm. “It didn’t sit right with me that Kay refused to tell you where she was. Just don’t tell her I showed you.”
I swallow thickly. I can’t describe the feeling. I’m sad, devastated, but I’m not crying.
“I don’t think it’s hit me yet.” I can tell that’s it by how flat my tone is.
I feel him nod next to me, and he brings his hand to my back, rubbing it in a soothing gesture. “That’s okay. Just have a minute with her. I’ll be in the truck.”
I still don’t cry when he leaves me alone. I just sit down in the grass, clearing the weeds around her. There’s nothing else but her name on her headstone. Kay didn’t know her date of birth, and she surely didn’t have anything nice to say about her.
I don’t lie to my mom. I tell her that I’m not in a good situation, that it’s not about to get better, and that I’m still deep into criminal activities. Saying the whole truth out loud makes it so much worse than I thought, but I stay strong for her.
“You remember Elliot and Ethan, right?” I murmur. “It’s getting…complicated,Ma. Ethan is still Ethan. I know you weren’t a big fan of him, and you thought he was weird. But I think I still love him. It’s so stupid because he is not very nice to me.” I pull out a bit of grass. That’s a way to put it.
“Elliot is being strange. And I know what you’re going to say, he was your favorite. But that’s just looks,Ma. He’s the worst.” I sigh. “But also, I guess he’s not. ’Cause he's the one who brought me here today. And he took care of me when I got hit by that car. Oh yeah, I got hit by a car, by the way, but I’m okay. And Elliot, he also…he said I was beautiful. Like, for real. The same way Ethan used to say it. And he keeps making me feel beautiful, even though I know I’m not.”
I rest my head on her headstone, imagining the way I used to lay against her shoulder in bed.
“Hey, I miss you.” I poke the stone, a wave of sadness engulfing me when I realize that it’s just that…a stone. “I wish you were here to tell me those two stinky boys don’t deserve me. Neither of them. I wish…I wish Dad was here to sayno boy in the worlddeserves me.” I huff, looking at the sky to hold back the tears. My throat is starting to hurt from the thickness in it.
“Maybe I’m just being selfish, and I miss having someone who loves me unconditionally. You’re good where you are. You’re not suffering anymore.” I pause. “Right?”
Swallowing past the tightness in my throat, I nod to myself. “I should go. Got things to do that’ll really piss you off. Like robbing a bank and shit.” My mouth twists as I stand up. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say shit. I love you,Ma. You get some rest.”
Elliot doesn’t say anything when I get back in the truck. He just observes me, his eyebrows scrunched and a sorry twist of a smile on his face.
“I’m fine,” I rasp.
“I know,” he lies. “You’re a strong woman.” That doesn’t sound like a lie when it comes from him.
I look at the time, realizing I’ve been out there for half an hour.
“You said five minutes.”
“I know.”
We exchange a look full of meaning. I want to ask why he changed his mind, why he brought me here, why he’s looking at me like he cares.
“I told her you were the worst.”
He chuckles, the sound resonating in his chest making me melt. “As you should. Iamthe worst.”
On this lighter note, he drives away.
He huffs as we enter NSC territories. “I can’t believe I’m driving your bratty ass to your bestie’s garage.”
“Oh, Racer’s more than my bestie.” I smile to myself, hiding it by facing the window. This is fun. “He’s also a super cute guy. Scratch that. He’shot. And smart too.”
His hand lands on my thigh again, fingers digging into my skin. “Watch your mouth.”
“Is that jealousy, Elliot Pearson?” I turn to him, trying to appear serious.
“Jealousy?” he snorts. “I’ve gone past jealousy with you, my love.” My heart stops, and his next words kick it back into a dangerous rhythm. “You don’t want to know the things I’ve done to make you mine. The jealousy line was crossed, left behind, forgotten.”
Oh God.
Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Stop it, heart.
