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And I despise my own weakness.
So I simply incline my head in silent acknowledgment of her offer. Natalie steps out into the night, leaving me alone with my bitter thoughts.
This is her fault, I tell myself as I pour a drink with unsteady hands. Natalie awakened feelings better left buried. I was a fool to let her disarm me, even for a moment. Sinking onto the sofa, I stare broodingly at the sofa where she sat, cursing the aching tenderness she resurrected inside me, so at odds with my hunger to see her suffer.
Sentiment makes a girl vulnerable. By showing even a flicker of it tonight, I've given Natalie power she doesn't deserve. I let her worm past my defenses. I won't make that mistake again. Next time, I'll be ready.
Resolved, I start planning our next meeting, determined to stay detached no matter how Natalie pleads her case or plays on my sympathies. She caught me off guard tonight, but I'm the one holding all the cards in the end.
And I fully intend to play my hand until she's begging for mercy.
As I go up to bed, I glance out the window on the way up, and I see, once more, that familiar figure standing out there, staring up at my home. According to Natalie—and I am inclined to believe her—surveillance has been nixed, so that means…
The Family.
I'll have to be very, very careful in the days to come.
CHAPTER11
NATALIE
When I get home, I manage to eke out one last glass from the red wine bottle I dumped over my carpet not so long ago. I stare into my wine glass, watching the deep red liquid swirl as my hand trembles. The memory of Alessa's lips on mine haunts me. That electric moment when she grabbed me, fury and desire warring in her emerald eyes, her breath hot on my skin...
This constant conflict inside me has to stop. I'm an FBI agent, for god's sake, even if Iamon leave. I took an oath to uphold the law, no matter what.
So why does being near Alessa make me feel like I'm balanced on the edge of a precipice, about to throw myself off?
Pouring the very last dribble of wine into the glass, I curl up on the sofa, wishing sleep would claim me and grant some relief. But as I close my eyes, it's Alessa's face I see. The memory of our bodies entwined beneath her silken sheets, her wicked laughter ringing out, her emerald eyes dark with desire as she pushed me back against the pillows and...
A soft moan escapes me as I jerk awake, my glass tipping from my hand—mercifully empty. The dream dissipates like smoke, leaving me aching. I press a hand to my chest, feeling my heart hammering against my ribs.
Just a dream. That's all. I can't let my subconscious undermine my resolve.
But the tingle in my core refuses to die down. Cursing under my breath, I get up and brew a pot of my standard terrible coffee. It's not like I'm going to sleep any more tonight, after all. As I sip the scalding liquid, the events of the past weeks play over in my mind like some chaotic movie reel. Going undercover, insinuating myself into Alessa's circle, watching as the FBI closed its net around her.
And then that devastating moment when everything changed. When Juno Bianchi exposed my deception right there in the Ruby Realm, shattering the person I'd become.
Natalie Moreau, glamorous socialite. Alessa's lover.
Just an illusion. A mask I hid behind.
But the feelings that mask unleashed inside me—thatAlessaunleashed—those are real. Undeniable, no matter how much I want them to disappear.
I watch the clock and mope for the next few hours until dawn sends a grudging prod over my windowsill, and then I head for the shower. I have to pull it together. I have an appointment with Hays again this morning for another psych evaluation. She's already concerned about my mental state after being undercover. I can't afford to show any more problems.
I dress in my standard FBI attire—black pantsuit, white collared shirt, polished black boots. Sensible. Professional. The perfect image of an agent.
If only it matched what's going on inside me.
* * *
An hour later, I'm sitting in the familiar environs of Dr. Hays' office, surrounded by diplomas and psychology texts. She sits down opposite me with a polite smile.
"Good morning, Agent Miller. How are you feeling today?"
I resist the urge to fidget under her clinical gaze. "Ready to resume my duties?" I try.
She nods thoughtfully. "Are you, though? It's perfectly normal to need more time after an intense undercover operation. And developing…entanglements with the target is quite common, but a good reason to take a break. Make sure your head's on straight."
