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But my mind is elsewhere.
I drove Natalie home last night from Long Island, all the way to her door in Queens, but the whole ride was taken in silence after my confession.
Well. She did say "Thanks," automatically, without looking at me, when she got out of the car. Then she slammed the door and walked away without another word.
The laughter, the music, the clinking of glasses—it's all around me but it feels like a distant echo. Thoughts of Natalie linger in my mind, her smile, her strength, her vulnerability.
I fucked up.
And the thing is, I'm angrier at myself than anyone. I could have made it clear that I'd do whatever I could to help her, could have begged her forgiveness. But there was a nasty, stubborn little piece of darkness in me that wanted Natalie to know how it felt.
To understand what it meant to be betrayed.
Well, now she does. And now I'll never see her again, judging by our final interaction.
I signal the DJ to cut the music. As silence falls over the crowd, I lean on the railing and project my voice to reach every ear.
"Friends, welcome back to The Ruby Realm. It's been a difficult time, but we've weathered the storm. Your loyalty means everything. Please, enjoy yourselves tonight!"
Applause and cheers erupt. I soak in the adulation, trying to let it bolster me. My reputation took a bruising, but I've reclaimed my influence. My den of iniquity is back in business. By all measures, tonight is a huge triumph.
So why am I not happier about it?
From the outside, I'm the image of confidence, back on top. But inside, doubt gnaws at me. My thoughts keep drifting, drawn to a small apartment in Queens.
To Natalie.
These feelings...they're foreign to me. I've always valued control, kept people at a distance. But Natalie disarmed my defenses. Made me imagine something more. A future beyond schemes and secrets, built on trust and love.
Ridiculous for a de Luca to hope for that. Yet I can't stop thinking about her.
A server approaches with a martini. I accept it with a distracted smile, which turns more genuine as I see a familiar figure.
"There you are!" Juno says, sauntering up. "I heard this was the hottest ticket in town tonight." Caitlin is at her side, her smile wide and delighted.
"Juno, darling. So glad you could make it." We exchange air kisses.
Caitlin hugs me hard, without warning. But I don't mind it. I rather…feel like a hug right now. But when she gives me a closer look and I see concern in her face, I pull away.
"Well? What do you think?" I ask, waving my glass around.
"The reopening is the talk of the town," Juno says. "Quite the show of strength." Her words hold approval.
We chat casually, but Caitlin is frowning a little as she listens. Juno doesn't seem to notice that my focus is split, slipping as I picture Natalie's apartment, wondering if she's thinking of me.
I'm terrified of these feelings, but more terrified of losing them.
Of losing her.
"…hear me, Alessa?"
I realize I missed something Juno said. I grasp for composure. "Of course. Just distracted with running things tonight."
Juno arches one groomed brow, about to retort, but Caitlin grabs her arm. "Well, don't let us keep you. You seem to have a lot on your mind."
I force out a laugh. "Perceptive as always, sweetheart." We exchange farewells, but Caitlin's eyes remain searching as they retreat into the crowd.
It's an odd thing to realize, that this world of ruthless ambition no longer satisfies me. That I crave the tenderness that Natalie and I found, safe in each other's arms.
