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“This was a mistake.” He dressed himself.
“Are you serious?” Cammie couldn’t understand his rejection. She took it personally. “You always like it rough, though.”
“Not anymore.” He zipped his fly.
Getting out of bed, she put on her panties and followed him downstairs to the living room. Noah had been the only man to fully satisfy her sexual desires, and she would not leave his loft until she gotexactlywhat she wanted from him.
“I’ve brought something for you.” She reached into her handbag and dangled a small bag full of white powder.
His blue eyes darted to his lethal lover, inducing excitement and anxiety. Something within him was desperate to escape its cage. His cocaine addiction had robbed him of happiness and had caused him more pain than good.
“Come on, babe,” Cammie pleaded. “Sex always feels so amazing when we get high together.”
This was her last-ditch effort in making him revert to old patterns. In her twisted mind, being with “asshole Noah” was better than no Noah at all. If she had to sabotage his efforts to stay sober, she would live with that on her conscience; Cammie was selfish that way.
“Why would you bring that shit to my place when youknowI’ve been trying to stay clean?” He looked at her accusingly, controlling his rage.
“It’s just cocaine, Noah—not heroin.” She sat on the couch, turned on his stereo, and fixed a few lines on the coffee table.
“I don’t touch that stuff anymore.” He watched her snort up. “I can’t keep doing this with you.” Noah hated having to be a jerk again, but if it was necessary to break her heart to end their toxic relationship, then he would play that role for the greater good. “Whatever we had… it led us nowhere.”
“What do you mean?”
He rubbed his forehead in frustration and shouted, “I don’t love you, okay? I’m not in love with you! I never was and never will be! You’re just an easy lay! That’s all you ever were to me!”
Cammie was stunned. “You don’t mean that. I know what you’re trying to do, and it won’t work this time, Noah.”
“You really are daft, aren’t you?” He scoffed. “I’m bored with you! You’ll never get me to commit, so just stop wasting your time and leave me the fuck alone!”
They argued back and forth until Cammie finally broke down in tears. “Why are you always so heartless to me? After everything…”
This was more than Noah could handle. It gave him no pleasure to hurt her, but he had to remind himself that a permanent separation was for the best. His sanity and sobriety were on the line.
The minutes passed, and her crying only worsened. Sitting down, he tried to reason with her through a more civil approach.
“Cammie, listen to me. I’m seriously messed up—that’s why I’m seeing a shrink. You deserve to have someone who will love you and treat you right. I’ve got too much baggage.”
“All of which I’ve accepted time and time again!” she wailed with tears in her eyes. “I’m the only woman who gives a damn about you! Not your ex, not the whores you casually hook up with, and not even your family! I deserve a chance, Noah—after everything we’ve been through!”
Consumed with guilt and self-loathing, he pulled her in his arms and let her cry in his chest.
I’m nothing. I’m nobody. I’ll always be a fuckup. It’s better to stay out of Aria’s life. Look at all the people I’ve constantly hurt: it’s a never-ending pattern. I should be selfless for once and stay away from her. I know where this road will end. I’ll destroy her just like I destroyed Nat, Carrie, and everyone else who knows me. I’m a selfish, heartless bastard, and a narcissistic junkie. I can’t kick my addictions. I need to stop deluding myself. I’m too far gone. This is as good as it’s gonna get for me.
Drowning in despair, he watched himself sinking into a void until he could no longer see the light. He felt empty, lifeless, and alone.
When Cammie finally quieted down, Noah stared into her mahogany eyes and caressed her face. She was beautiful,seductive, and unquestionably desirable, but he just couldn’t get his heart to connect with her in the way she wanted.
If the Devil is real, then he’s sitting beside me right now… as a woman,Noah thought.
“I just want to be with you.” Cammie wiped her tears.
“I know, baby.” He kissed her and embraced his demons. “Fix me some lines.”
The high was instant, a bittersweet reunion. Reclining against the sofa, he exhaled deeply, feeling invincible, like he could conquer the world again. He had welcomed chaos into his psyche and somewhere in his muddled awareness; he knew he would regret it.
??
Noah never made it to the courthouse the next morning. His attorney had left many messages on his answering machine, but he avoided returning his calls. He spent the next the next two days spiraling on a drug binge with Cammie. They only got up to rehydrate, use the restroom, shower… and then it was back to sleep, sex, and snorting coke repetitiously.
