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Not so good, considering she’s leaving.
We turn to walk, and I place my hand on the small of her back. The move is a reflex, not calculated. Heat spreads up my forearm, making me very aware of every shift my body makes. She seems to slow down slightly, allowing more pressure from my hand against her back. We glance at each other and quickly look away.
Unsure touching is smart, I slip my hand away. “Why all the lies?”
We pass through the sparse forest and meet the stream’s path.
She inhales deeply. “I put my car up for sale last month and found a buyer. Figured there’s no point keeping it while I’m away, and Delilah said I could borrow hers if needed until I go. So I terminated my insurance, but the morning the buyer was supposed to meet me and finalize the deal, she bailed. I then made the bad decision to keep driving anyway. The next day I hit you.” She folds her arms over her chest, as though readying for a confrontation.
She may be uneasy about admitting her bad decision, but I’m suddenly more relaxed. I shove my hands into my pockets, soothed by the gurgle of water cascading over rocks. By the easy way Naomi’s finally opening up to me. “I can’t believe you just admitted the accident was your fault.”
She laughs. “You’re a pest.”
“Around you, I am.” A bird above us trills. I roll a loose rock under my shoe. “I’m guessing you didn’t tell me about the insurance because you were embarrassed?”
She nods. “Our history made everything worse. I just worked so hard to save money this year, and the accident set me back. It reminded me of my school campaign, working my butt off, only for you to cut me down at the knees, even though hitting you this time was my fault. And with the way we’ve been provoking each other this year, I assumed you’d use my screw up against me, make me feel like an even bigger idiot for driving uninsured. Then there was this massive fight with my mother that escalated everything.”
“Because she was pissed you didn’t have insurance?”
“That, and the fact that I’m going traveling—leaving my job and everything. My choices in general upset her. And when I asked her not to tell anyone I was paying for your car out of pocket, she got really mad. Went on about my carelessness, that lying doesn’t solve anything. We’re just not seeing eye-to-eye on much, which sucks when I’m leaving soon.” The sun’s out and it’s warm, but she rubs her arms as though chilled.
Unable to resist touching her, I move behind her and replace her hands with mine. I rub her arms softly, resting my chin on her head. “If I knew something would actually upset you, I wouldn’t have harped on it. I never wanted you to feel badly. Annoyed, yeah, but not upset.”
Her shoulders lower. “I know that now, but I didn’t know that then. Afterward, I was just embarrassed.”
An honest admission wrapped up with our horrible misunderstanding. “Do you think you can get past our awful history?”
She leans into me and exhales. “I really liked you, Avett. When I thought you said those mean things about me in high school, I was pretty devastated. It took a long while to get my confidence back. But I feel stupid now, for not realizing. And I can’t hold a grudge against you for the stuff you said to Ricky last year. I’ve bitched about you plenty too, probably for the same reason.”
Jealousy.
Gran wasn’t far off, telling me being mean to girls doesn’t win them over. Naomi and I both seem to have slipped into a pattern of lashing out to hide our real feelings. But I’m done hiding. “I hate that anything I did, intentional or not, made you think less of yourself. All I’ve ever seen is a smart, strong, sexy woman. With a vicious streak,” I add and pinch her arm lightly.
She laughs and slips out of my hold. “I wasn’t surprised when I heard you became a vet.” She dips her head down. Bashful Naomi. The newest version of this complex woman. “I knew you’d do something great, even if I had to turn math problems into comic book scenes for you to understand them.”
I mime stabbing myself in the chest. “Way to hurt a guy.”
“It’s the truth.”
“I was distracted by your beauty.”
“And you were sad.” She stares up at the branches crosshatching the sky. “I saw how hard E’s disappearance hit you. It was a shock to all of us, but I can’t imagine how hard you must have taken it.”
Even now, talking about those days has anger tensing my neck. I’ve pored over a million reasons why E and his family might have disappeared: his accountant father stole from clients and needed to split, one of his brothers was a secret computer hacker and got tangled in something dangerous, they were Russian spies whose covers were blown.
Without any clues, nothing felt viable, not that it matters. If we haven’t heard from the Bower family by now, we’ll likely never learn why they took off.
And discussing E won’t help set things right with Naomi. “I’m worried you’ll always associate me with feeling badly about yourself.”
Her eyes stay skyward a moment, then she steps closer and fits her thumbs into the belt loops of my jeans. “I’ve always cared what you think about me, Avett. I don’t understand what that feeling is about or why it’s even there. But…” She swallows hard. “Even with our past, the last thing I feel with you right now is badly about myself.”
I sure as hell feel a lot around Naomi, strong emotions I’ve never fully understood either.
Except one.
Iwantthis woman. I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, can’t imagine never tasting her lips, never feeling her skin flush against mine, but I’m all about the future. Plans, spreadsheets, goals. She’s living her life freely, like I did when I was carefree—before E vanished, before the robbery at college—unconcerned with consequences or tomorrows.
She and I are polar opposites now, and we have no future. Not with her one-way plane ticket. Yet when I’m with Naomi, all I can think about is what I wantright now.
