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“How are you feeling?” he asked as he brushed a hand through my hair. “Do you think you can eat something yet?”
“No,” I shook my head. “My stomach’s in knots. I just miss him so much, you know? I know it might sound silly. I only got to hold him a few times and he was already gone by then, but he’s been inside of me for over five months. I had so many dreams of the life I would give him and now he…he’s just gone,” I explained as my lip trembled with the need to cry.
“I get it, Maddie. I had quite a few dreams of my own about being in his life.”
“I c-can still feel his tiny weight in my arms. I can feel his tiny hand in mine. It hurts so much and I…I can’t see how I’m supposed to keep going without him here.”
“I know, sweetheart. I wish I had some magical cure to make it all better for you, but I don’t, and I don’t have any great advice either. I don’t know how you overcome something as terrible as losing Noah, but I can promise you’re not alone. We’re all here for you. We’ll do whatever you need to help you through this.”
“I know, and I think it’s the only reason I’m still going,” I admitted.
“That’s not true. If we weren’t here, you’d find a way to keep going because you have to. You’re the strongest woman I know and I know that you would find a way through this for Willow’s sake if not your own,” he told me.
“I just wish I could see him. I’m scared I’ll forget his little face,” I whimpered.
“You can. I have the pictures we took on my cell. You want to see them?” Nico asked as he reached up to the nightstand to grab his cell phone.
“Yes, please.” I wiped at my tears trying to clear my blurry eyes as Nico unlocked his cell and brought up the photos.
“Hunt sent the images to all of us in case anything happened to his phone. He’s uploaded them to the cloud too, so they can never be lost,” Nico explained.
He opened an image of me, sat holding Noah in my arms at the hospital. In it I could see Noah’s little sleeping face so clearly, and see the fiery red hair against my pale arm. A sob slipped from me as I took the phone from Nico and brought it closer to study the picture.
“Do you think I c-could print these and have them in my room or something? Is that weird?” I asked tearfully, unable to take my eyes from the image.
“No, it’s not weird. He’s your child, Maddie. Of course you want to be able to look at him. You just tell me which you want and I’ll make sure the images get printed out, okay?”
“Thank you, Nico.”
I picked a few images that I wanted to have in my room in frames and Nico promised he would print them for me as soon as we got back home. Seeing the photos was hard, but it comforted me a lot to know I still clung to that little piece of Noah, and that I could go through them and see his face whenever I felt I wanted or needed to.
Nico and I stayed up chatting for a little while, until I started yawning and Nico suggested we try to get some sleep. We were flying back home early the next morning, and when we got back Willow would demand our attention since we’d been away for two nights.
But I couldn’t sleep. I tried to lie still at Nico’s side so I wouldn’t disturb him, but I was just so restless. All of the upset and stress of the last week had brought my old nightmares right to the forefront, right alongside new nightmares about my son being ripped from my arms. The pain inside of me felt suffocating too. Laying there, still, and silent gave me too much time to dwell on all I could have done to prevent Noah’s death and those thoughts were crippling. I was filled with guilt that it had all been my fault he was gone and I hated myself more than I ever had before.
“Sweetheart.” Nico turned and propped his head up on one elbow, looking at me through the darkness. “You need to sleep. What’s going on?” he asked.
“I can’t, Nico. I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything. It hurts so damned much,” I gasped, feeling like I couldn’t catch my breath.
Nico sat up against the headboard and lifted me into his lap, cradling my head against his chest as he surrounded me with his huge, tattooed arms. He was shirtless, dressed in only a pair of shorts, and I pressed my face against the heat of his skin, desperate to feel something other than the pain that was consuming me.
I looked up and met his dark eyes looking right down at me. The need for more of him, to feel anything but the pain, consumed me and I rose up as high as I could until my lips landed hard on his. I pushed my hands into his hair, urging him closer, and kissing him wildly.
I moved to straddle one of his tree trunk like thighs so I could get up onto my knees and closer to him, and he kissed me back just as furiously as his arms banded around me, holding me tight against him. His hands roamed up and down my back over the t-shirt I wore, which belonged to Kai, but it wasn’t enough. I needed his hands on me I needed him to soothe away some of the pain, even if the relief was just temporary.
I moved my hand to the hem, and started to pull it up, intending to take it off completely, but Nico stopped me and pulled back from the kiss.
“Maddie, slow down, sweetheart. I’m not sure this is the right time…” he started, but I cut him off.
“Please Nico. I need this. I need to feel something else, just for a while. I need the pain to stop,” I pleaded.
“They said we couldn’t though, at the hospital. We have to wait six weeks after the birth, right?”
“Please Nico,” I begged tearfully. “I need to feel something.”
“Okay,” he soothed as he pulled me into his arms and held my shaking body against his. “Just breathe, sweetheart. I’ll take care of you if you just breathe for me.”
I relaxed against him and cried a little as I took some deep breaths in. I knew I was freaking out on him and the last thing he wanted was to have any form of sex with the crying mess in his arms, but I needed it. I needed him.
