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My main hope was that he would leave this office with some meds to help him sleep more soundly. His nightmares were still happening often and I hated hearing him in pain and not being able to go to him, but the guys had all agreed with him that I should stay away when he was dealing with his nightmares. He had told them he worried he would hurt me in the throes of one, and they had agreed it wasn’t worth the risk, so I had reluctantly agreed to allow Hunt or Kai to go to him at night when he woke up, but I hated it.
I jumped up when the office door opened, bracing myself for Cameron to be angry as he had been when he came out of that last appointment ten minutes in, but as soon as he saw me, he smiled a little, much to my relief.
“Hey,” I greeted. “How was it?” I asked as I approached him. He closed the office door, then turned to me.
“Okay,” he replied. “Better, I guess.” He shrugged. “Let’s get out of here.” He took my hand in his and pulled me towards the elevator. We were in Downtown New York, a place I had never been before and I was kind of dreading going back out into the chaos of the street below. Busy cities had never really been my thing and I was keen to get back to Cam’s truck and get the hell out of there.
We didn’t speak as Cam held me close to his side and navigated us down the hectic sidewalk and back to the multistorey where he had parked his truck. I was just relieved when we stepped into the much quieter parking lot and out of the madness.
“It’s crazy out there,” I laughed as Cam released the hold he’d had on me and took my hand instead.
“I fucking hate the city,” he agreed. “Why’s everyone always in such a damned hurry? Where the hell are they going?”
“Beats me. I’m definitely a small town girl at heart though,” I laughed.
“You and me both,” he agreed, making me laugh. “You know what I mean,” he clarified, but there was the tug of a smile on his face which delighted me.
“I missed seeing you smile, Cam,” I told him.
“I’m trying, Mads.”
“I know you are.” I stopped him and turned so we were facing one another as I slipped my hand free and instead reached up to place both on his shoulders. “I see how hard you’re trying and I’m so proud of you.” I told him.
“I just want to be better for you,” he said as he placed his hands on my hips and looked down into my eyes.
“I don’t need you to be better for me, Cameron. I love you just the way you are. I always have. I want you to do this for you. I want you to be able to find some happiness again. Ev would want that for you too.”
“I know,” he agreed. “I’ll get there. I already found some happiness.”
“And what’s that?” I asked.
“You and Willow. Being with both of you makes me happy. Being with you both and the guys this week…it’s been good too. I’m not sure I can be who I was with Ev before, not without him, but this week, being together with all of you, it’s made me think maybe I can be a new version of who I used to be. Maybe I can find a way to keep going without him.” Tears filled my eyes at the hope I heard in his words and I couldn’t have stopped myself if I tried. I reached up on my tip toes and pressed my lips to his, taking him by complete surprise. I pecked his lips twice before he seemed to allow himself to return the kiss. I moved my hands to the back of his head, pulling him closer as his tongue touched my lips, demanding entry. His hands roamed up my back, pulling me in as close as he could with my bump between us. He took control of the kiss, devouring me and setting my whole body alight in a way I knew I had never ever felt in my life.
“You have to find a way,” I told him breathlessly as we pulled apart. I was still teary eyed and my lips were tingling from the earth-shattering kiss. “You have to because I need you. I love you, Cam.”
“I love you too, Mads. So fucking much.” He lowered his head and kissed me again, this time slower, taking his time.
I had no idea what it all meant. I hadn’t even consciously meant to kiss him. Things between us all and Nico were so up in the air and I knew I had just made it worse with that kiss, but I couldn’t stop myself in the moment.
He was smiling again as we pulled apart and resumed our walk to the truck, our hands clutched tightly together between us.
“Are you going to tell me how it went in that office?” I asked once we were seated in his truck and headed home.
“It was tough, but I liked the new guy much better. I think I can work with him,” Cam told me, sounding positive about it all.
“Did you tell him about the nightmares?” I pushed cautiously. I didn’t want to upset him, but I wanted to know what was going on.
“I have some pills to try. I made an appointment to see him again next week, too.” he said it like it was no big deal, but I knew in truth it was major. The guys were going to be so relieved he had some meds and that he was going back again next week. We had all been so worried about him. This seemed like the first big step in recovery for him.
“That’s great, Cam,” I told him happily.
“I told him about Everett. I think he actually gets it. He lost a friend while he was serving too,” he went on.
“I don’t think anyone will truly understand unless they’ve lost a sibling they were as close to as you and Ev were,” I told him sadly. “But it’s good he has some understanding. I’m just relieved you agreed to see him again.”
“I miss him so much, Mads. It feels like half of me literally died with him.” His voice was hoarse as he spoke and tears instantly filled my own eyes as I fought to hold them back.
“I know.” I placed my hand on his thigh and squeezed, wanting him to know he wasn’t alone. “I miss him too. I wish so much that he was with us all, that he could meet Willow.”
