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“You know he will, Mads. This little guy will be so loved up there with Ev,” Cam promised and I fought not to cry.
“What are you going to call him?” Nico asked.
“I was thinking ‘Noah’ maybe? It means ‘dove’ and doves are peaceful, right? I want him to h-have peace,” I wobbled near the end, but got the words out, before I pressed my baby to my chest and pressed my cheek gently to his hair.
“It’s beautiful, sweetheart,” Nico agreed.
“It…” Cam gasped a little around a sob as he looked to me. “Noah w-was Ev’s middle name.”
“It was?” I didn’t know that, but it just made it even more right for me. “Would he mind?” I asked.
“No,” Cam shook his head. “He’d love it. He’d be jumping around telling me he won if he was here,” he laughed through his tears.
“It’s perfect, baby,” Hunter assured me with a tearful smile.
“Hey Noah,” Kai said as he leaned in close to me. “Do you know how very loved you are? We all love you so very much.”
“Do you want to hold him?” I offered, and Kai’s tears slipped free too.
“Can I?” he asked, seeming surprised. I nodded and handed him my baby boy, sobbing as he took him into his arms and cradled him close to his chest.
It was just the start of a very special, but heart breaking night. Together we filled the tiny tub and bathed Noah. Emilia had bought everything we could possibly need, for a boy or girl. We got to wash his hair and bathe him just as we would have every night had we gotten to take him home. When we were done, Nico and Kai worked together to wrap him in the yellow hooded towel Mia had bought, then we all held him again, taking in his scent mixed with the smell of baby products on his skin, committing it to memory so that we would never forget.
We dressed him in a tiny premature baby diaper, then in a white vest that was so much smaller than any baby clothes I’d ever seen, and a green romper with tiny giraffes all over it, that I knew Willow would approve of. I brushed his hair with the tiny baby brush, and cried when I saw it was exactly the same color as my own, and so thick for a new born baby. He was gorgeous and I loved him so much. The fact he would never open his eyes and look at me broke my heart. I would never know what color his eyes were. I would never see him smile or hear him cry or laugh.
Mia had bought an imprint kit so we could make a picture with his hand and foot imprints, so we worked together to press his tiny hands and feet into the soft dough, then Hunter carefully packaged it away so the dough would set hard and we would always have another piece of Noah to hold on to. We took pictures too, of us each holding him, and close ups of his tiny hands and feet. Maybe some people wouldn’t approve of that, but for me, I wanted to hold onto every bit of him that I could, and I never wanted to forget how beautiful my boy was.
The guys took turns holding him and committing him to their memories as I took a shower and got dressed, then for three hours we sat holding him and talking, imagining all he could have done as he got older and all of the ways his big sister would have both adored and terrorized him. It was hard, but it was also healing in a way. Just as Cam had said, we made memories of the short time we got with Noah – memories we would cling to when he was gone. Memories I hoped would give me a way to survive this heart breaking loss.
Mid way through the next morning I knew it was time to go. I needed to get back to Willow and we had done all we could for Noah.
I sent Kai to get the midwife, knowing we had to leave Noah with her and dreading the moment I had to hand him over. Just the thought of where they would take him when we left, broke me. Would he go to the morgue? Would he be put in some cold storage with other dead bodies? I couldn’t even think of it without falling apart. He was my baby. He should be coming home with me!
“Maddie, baby. I’ve arranged for the funeral home to collect him as soon as we leave. They’re going to take him and they promised me they’d take good care of him until we can arrange the burial. We can even go there to spend time with him if you want to do that,” Hunter told me.
“Hunt said they will put things with him too, if you want to. I was thinking the bear could go with him, Keep him company, huh? And we could put the little jacket on, to keep him warm?” Nico suggested, tears once again glassy in his eyes.
It had comforted me to know how affected they all were by us losing Noah. I knew that made me sound callous, but it helped, to know they really were with me all the way in this devastating loss. At least I wasn’t alone.
“Yeah, that would be good,” I agreed. Nico grabbed the cute, knitted jacket with a dinosaur on the pocket and the stuffed, fluffy blue bear, both of which Emilia had bought for us. I was so grateful to her for all she had sent. At least my boy got to be dressed in nice clothes and taken care of for the short time we were able. It meant so much to me.
I was silently crying as I got him into the warm little jacket and showed him the bear Nico handed me.
“I wish I could be with you, honey, but I…I can’t. We can’t. We’ll always be thinking of you though,” I told him. “And we will always love you so very much. You will always be a part of us, Noah.”
I handed him to Nico, so he could say goodbye, and got to my feet, stumbling across the room and right into Cam’s arms. I sobbed into his chest as I listened to Nico sweetly whisper that he would always love Noah, and that he would take care of his mom and sister. Then Kai did the same, passing him to Hunter who whispered his own words. Then I found myself in Nico’s arms as I listened to Cam.
“My brother, Everett, will take good care of you. You might have to show him who’s boss, because he can be kind of cocky, but he’s a good man, and he will love you with every bit of love we can send from down here,” he whispered as he looked down at Noah. “We love you so much, little guy. You will always be a part of our family down here. Take care of Ev for me, okay, and tell him I love him.”
The midwife was in the room and I knew I had to say goodbye. I fought to hold it together as Cam placed Noah back in my arms. I ensured he was wrapped tightly in the beautiful rainbow colored knitted blanket, and tucked the tiny bear up with him,
“Mommy loves you, honey, so, so much,” I told him tearfully. “Never forget that. If there was anything I could do to have you here with me, I would, but I can’t so I’m sending you to be with one of the best men I know.” I glanced up to Cam, who was crying, but he forced a smile and nod for me. “Ev will take care of you until we can be together again,” I told my son. I walked across the room to the midwife and stopped before her. I placed a kiss on his soft, bright red hair and told him I loved him once more, then I did the hardest thing I had ever done in my life – I handed my beautiful baby boy over to a virtual stranger, knowing I had to leave him behind.
She gave me a sympathetic smile, then left the room. I watched them go and at the sound of the dull thud the door made as it closed behind her, I broke. A wail tore from me and I crumpled to the ground. My son was dead, and with him had gone a part of me I would never ever get back. My only hope was that he was in a better place, safe with Everett and that he held and felt that piece of me inside of him, that had been taken; that it was enough for him to know how much I loved him and would love him always.
CHAPTER 25
MADDIE
