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I barely remember leaving the hospital. I know a nurse came in and gave me some pain meds in case I needed them, and there was some talk of counselling services being available, but I wasn’t listening.
After Nico had lifted me from the floor and into his arms I had sobbed for a long time, the guys all surrounding me, silently letting me know they were there with their gentle touches. Eventually I wore myself out and the sobs calmed some, though the heart break did not.
By the time the nurse walked in to discharge me, I just felt numb. I sat curled up in Nico’s lap, nodding like I was listening and trying hard to keep it together, but I wasn’t.
The guys must have gotten me out of there, because the next thing I knew we were in the car. I was in the back between Nico and Kai, tucked up against Kai’s side and gripping onto his arm hard. Cam and Hunter were in the front, Hunt driving.
“I have to tell Willow,” I said, my voice croaky.
“What’s that, sunshine?” Kai asked as he ducked his head enough to meet my eyes.
“Willow. I have to tell her. How do I tell her?” I asked tearfully. “She wanted a brother so much.”
“You don’t have to do it at all, Maddie. We can tell her,” Hunter said as he glanced to me in the rear view mirror.
“No. It has to be me. I just…I don’t know what to say.”
“Tell her that her brother was born sleeping and that he’s gone to heaven. She’s too young to truly understand,” Cam suggested.
“I can call Mia and ask her and Ty to take Willow out for the day if you need some time,” Nico added.
“No,” I shook my head. “I…I need to see her. I’ll be okay.”
“Just remember we’re all with you, baby. You’re not alone in any of this. You lean on us as much as you need to,” Hunter told me.
His words had me crying again and I buried my face in Kai’s shirt, needing the comfort. I was so thankful they were there to support me. It was obvious they were all upset. They were grieving the loss of Noah too; maybe not in the same, soul destroying way I was, but they were grieving the loss of what could have been. They were grieving the loss of a baby they had all wanted to help raise. They had lost the future they had envisioned for all of us as a family. It helped me to know that. It helped to know I wasn’t completely alone in my devastation.
It took me several minutes to stem the tears once again. Once I was a little calmer I sat up and wiped at my face. I needed to try and find a braver front to put on before we got home. I didn’t want to upset Willow anymore than I knew I already had to.
“How are you feeling? Do you want to take some of the pain meds before we get back?” Nico asked.
“I’m fine.” The pain from the birth was minimal, since Noah had been so small, at just four pounds. I was exhausted, but not in pain – not physically anyway.
“I spoke to Sam earlier. He said he and Garth will happily have Willow stay with them tonight if you need some time,” Hunter told me.
“I’ll see how I feel, but I…I think I’m going to want to keep her close for a while,” I whimpered.
“That’s fine, Maddie. Whatever you need,” Kai assured me.
“What about the service and burial? We will be able to bury Noah with Ev, won’t we?” I was terrified the military, or whoever had the power, would say no and not allow us to bury Noah with Everett. The idea of burying my child alone in the cold ground was incomprehensible.
“I’ve already made some calls, and Nic has too. We have some favors we can call in,” Hunter explained.
“We’ll fix it, sweetheart. I don’t want you to worry about that. We will find a way for Noah to be laid to rest with Everett,” Nico added as he took my hand in his and smoothed his thumb over my knuckles.
I looked out of the window in an attempt to stop more tears from falling, and realized we were pulling up to the gates of the house. I took a deep breath and tried hard to find some calm for my daughter.
“Thank you all for being with me through this. I…I don’t know how I’d have gotten this far without you,” I told the guys as I looked between them.
“We love you, Mads. We’ll always be at your side when you need us,” Cam returned. Nico leaned in to kiss my cheek and Kai squeezed his arm around me in agreement.
“We’re not going anywhere now, baby. We’re in this and everything that happens from here on out, together.” Hunter pulled the car onto the driveway of the house as he spoke, parking up out front.
“You ready?” Kai asked me as he released the both of our seatbelts.
“No, but I really need to h-hold my daughter,” I replied shakily.
By the time Kai had helped me out of the car, the others were all out and surrounding me. Hunter and Cam each took one of my hands and led me up the steps.
