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“Well, I knew I was attracted to guys when I started picturing Bobby Tilway naked. He was my best friend in elementary school. Believe me, no one wanted that,” he joked. “And I knew I wasn’t attracted to girls freshman year of college.”
“What was it that told you?”
Merri moaned. “Ahh, you’re gonna make me say it, aren’t you?”
“Say what?”
“Fine. I knew I wasn’t into girls the day I saw you at tryouts. I had had a few girlfriends in high school. But when I saw you, I realized what I was supposed to have been feeling.”
“Wow!”
“Have I freaked you out?” Merri asked vulnerably.
“You haven’t. But it explains a lot.”
“I bet it does,” Merri said holding his cheeks as his fair skin turned shades of red. “Listen, I’m sorry about that.”
“About what?”
“About all of it.”
“You couldn’t help the way you felt.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t always handle it with your level of grace.”
“Are you talking about when you flipped out on me?”
“Yeah. When I flipped out on you, otherwise known as the last time I spoke to my best friend before he left school and disappeared out of my life.”
“I remember it well.”
“I said some stuff.”
“You did.”
“But now I can tell you the real reason I got so upset. It was because I had finally hit a point when I couldn’t pretend any more. I was…” he nodded his head to soften his words, “in love with my best friend, the star player on my dad’s football team, on which I was the assistant coach.”
“You had a lot of things going on,” I said not knowing what else to say.
“There were a few things,” he said looking mortified. “So when you then informed me that you were choosing to take early graduation, I didn’t handle it well.”
“You called me a “fucking ni…”.”
“Please don’t say it,” he said cutting me off with his eyes closed and his face turning beet red. “I know what I said. And I’m so, soooo, sorry.”
“You know, I’ve thought a lot about what you said since then. What I could never understand is why you went straight to race.”
“Because I’m a fucking asshole,” he said, unable to look at me.
“No, I’m serious. You had never brought up race before. Not once. But in that moment you went straight there. Why?”
“There is no excuse but I was in a lot of pain. What you said devastated me and you said it to me like you didn’t give a shit about how I felt. So, I said the thing I thought would hurt you the most.”
I thought about that.
“You know, when I was kid, and I’m talking 8-years-old, I was at a classmate’s birthday party. After the cake and the ice cream we were all running around like chickens with our heads cut off. We were all screaming like banshees and at one point my mother pulled me aside.
“Getting down to my level, she pointed out something I hadn’t noticed up to that point. She made me understand that not only was I the only black kid in my class, but I was the only black kid in the town.
