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“She told me that although the white kids could run around acting a fool like that, I couldn’t. As the only black kid for 40 miles, all of the white kids were going to look at me and judge my entire race by what I did. She said that I could never be like them. I always had to be better.
“I carried that for a long time. It really shaped me. But then I went to university and I made a friend who race didn’t seem to matter to. He told me that I shouldn’t hide who I was. I shouldn’t hold back.
“And then after learning to trust him and beginning to share things with him that I hadn’t with anyone, he reminded me that, even to those where race didn’t seem to matter, I would always just be a…”
“Don’t say it. Please don’t say it,” Merri begged.
“…Fucking nigger.”
He lowered his head as tears wetted his cheeks.
“I wouldn’t blame you if you never forgave me. I wouldn’t forgive me if I were you. In fact, if you want me to leave, I’ll go.
“But I just want you to know that it is the most shameful thing I’ve ever done. No matter what I was going through, there was no excuse for what I did. If you could find it in your heart to forgive me, I would be grateful. But I don’t expect you to and I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t. Because I wouldn’t forgive me if I were in your place.”
I considered that and grabbed my burger.
“You told me that you said it to hurt me. Well, you succeeded. It hurt,” I admitted before taking a bite.
“I’m so sorry.”
Staring at him as I chewed, I could see his shame.
It had taken a while for me to come to grips with him saying that to me. One of the ways I had had been to tell myself that he didn’t understand the weight of what he had said. Because as much as me being black, or mixed, meant to me, it didn’t seem to matter at all to him.
But it turns out that he did know its weight. And he had swung it like a club.
“Should I go?” Merri asked meekly.
I didn’t answer because I didn’t know.
“If you want, I’ll go and you’ll never have to hear from me again. Should I go?”
“I haven’t decided.”
“Okay,” he replied unsure what he should do next.
When enough time passed without a word from me, he started eating his burger. Soon the two of us were eating in silence.
“So, is what you said about a workout for the Cougars real?” I asked him when my burger was gone.
“It is. Everything I told you is. Coach feels he owes his job to you and thinks you could help the Cougars.”
“And, when are you leaving town for your next meeting?”
“Oh. Everything I told you is real except that,” he said looking down. “To be completely honest, I’m only on this trip to see you. We think you’re the team’s best hope.”
“I’ve told you that I haven’t touched a football since our last game, right?” I said, considering his offer.
“If things work out, you would have the summer to get into game shape. I could help you,” he offered shyly.
“I don’t know.”
Merri looked up at me and tilted his head questioningly. “Does that mean you’re considering it?”
“I’ll think about it.”
Merri slumped as if relieved of a heavy burden.
