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“I know my mother seems fine now. But, when I was a kid, there was a time when she shut down.”
“Oh no!”
I looked at Kendall. I appreciated his sympathy.
“Yeah. She stopped working. Eventually, she stopped paying rent. When the rent collector would come sniffing around, we would pretend we weren’t at home. But one day he caught me and told me if we didn’t pay by the end of the week, we would be out.
“I told Mama but it was like she didn’t hear me. It probably made her slip away even further. But, knowing I was the one who would have to do something, at the end of the week I went to find him.
“I explained to him that I didn’t have the money but I was willing to do whatever I had to pay the rent. He looked me over and then told me he could give me a job to work off our debt. Desperate, I agreed.
“It turned out that our trailer park wasn’t the only one he owned and he hated having to collect the rent. He said that my job would be to collect the money people owed him and I was supposed to get it no matter what.”
Kendall took my hand. Maybe he knew where my story was going.
“The first person he told me to collect on, I did what I was told. I ended up having to track down when the guy was home. When he was, I went over and banged on his door. I felt awful for doing it. I knew how this guy felt. But I screamed at him to give me what he owed the guy. The only thing he said was for me to go fuck myself.
“What was I supposed to do? I tried, he wouldn’t give it to me, so I went back and told my landlord what happened. When I was done, he walked up, looked down at me, and slapped me across the face. He hit me so hard he knocked me to the ground.”
“Oh no!”
“Climbing on top of me, he started punching me. I didn’t know what was going on. I hadn’t even been in a fight before. And he was a big guy. His rings were cutting into my face.
“When he was done, he got off of me and said,
“You want your ass to be out on the street? You want your Mama to start whoring herself to take care of you? Because I’ll take it that way just as easy.”
“I screamed, “Fuck you!” I kept screaming, “fuck you!”
“Then you go back there and collect my fuckin’ rent, he said. And don’t you fuckin’ come back here until you have it. You hear me?”
“I knew what his beating was. It was a lesson. He was teaching me what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to collect the money or beat them senseless until I got it.
“I wasn’t gonna do that. I couldn’t. So, instead of returning home, I ran. I thought if I could get far enough away, I wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore. So, I kept running and running. I didn’t know where I was going, but eventually, I ended up here, looking out at that,” I pointed at the lake.
“Why did you stop?” Kendall asked.
“It was cold and I couldn’t figure out how to get around it. I knew which direction I was heading in, but I didn’t know how big the lake was. I ended up sleeping under a tree because I couldn’t decide what to do next.
“When I woke up was when I considered what would happen to my Mama if I kept going. She had nobody and could barely take care of herself. Maybe he would make her whore herself to keep living there. I imagined him sending men to where we lived and them doing things to her. I couldn’t let that happen. I had to protect her from that.”
“So, what did you do?”
“I went back. I didn’t even go home. I walked right back to the man who owed the guy rent. This time I didn’t knock, I broke the door in. Finding him hiding in the back room, I did what I had been taught to do. I beat on him until he gave me everything he had.
“Taking it, I told him when I would be back for the rest. When I gave it to the guy, he was impressed. And at the exact time I told the man I would be back, I went and collected the rest. My mother and I didn’t have to pay rent after that. I just had to make sure that everyone else paid their rent, and I did.”
When I was done with my story, Kendall looked at me stunned.
“How old were you?”
“Fourteen.”
When I said it, he burst into tears. He didn’t say anything more. He just wrapped his arms around me and cried.
I thought I could tell him this and let it go. I had needed to get the story off of my chest. It wasn’t something I felt comfortable telling Cage, and until now, I didn’t have anyone else.
But, I hadn’t expected all of the tears. Hearing Kendall whimper made me consider why he was. I had never allowed myself to think it was a big deal but there was no escaping it now. The man holding me was telling me how big of a deal it was. He was right. And the more I realized it, the less I could hold myself together.
