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“Yeah.”
“So?”
Evan flinched painfully. It confused me even more.
“I didn’t know who I was back then. I hadn’t joined the football team yet. I was still trying to figure things out. But, I knew that when I first saw you, I felt different. I couldn’t explain it because I had no words for it. All I knew was that I wanted to talk to you.
“So, after a few weeks of losing my nerve, I built up my courage and approached you.”
“You said you liked my art,” I suddenly remembered.
“Right.”
“And I responded by… shitting on you,” I admitted.
“You didn’t say thank you or start talking to me. You told me it was what talent looked like and I would know that if I had any.”
“Right.”
“Why would you say that? I was trying to be friends with you. I liked you.”
“You liked me?”
“Yeah, Kendall. I liked you. I liked you a lot. There was a long time when I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
The realization of what Evan was telling me flicked on like a light. As soon as it did, everything that happened made sense. Almost everything.
“So, you’re what? Gay?”
Evan lowered his head.
“Then, why would you make my life hell. I was the only out gay guy in the school!”
“Because you were the only out gay guy in the school. Kendall, you didn’t make me accepting who I was easy.”
I looked at him stunned. “I didn’t make your self-acceptance easy? I don’t even know where to begin with that. You made everything about my self-acceptance the hardest thing in the world.”
“I know. And I’m so sorry about that. But, please, see it from my perspective.”
I stared at him pissed. “Which is?”
“You were the only gay guy that anyone at our school knew about. So, anyone who hinted that they might like guys would immediately be compared to you.”
“And?”
“Did you have to wear dresses to school? Did you have to wear makeup?”
“Yes, I did. Because people like you were telling me that I couldn’t. I had to prove that I wasn’t going to give in to your bullshit. I wasn’t gonna be ashamed of myself.”
Evan lowered his head. “I get it. It just didn’t make things easy for me. That’s all. I didn’t want to wear dresses. I didn’t want to wear makeup. I just liked guys. So, since you were the only gay guy I’d ever met…”
“You thought there was only one way to be gay,” I suddenly realized. “So you hated yourself because who you felt like didn’t match what you thought you had to be.”
“Exactly!” Evan said excitedly.
I looked at him blankly. Lifting my hands, palms open in front of me, I slowly turned them until my fingertips were pointed at me.
“What?”
