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“No, I mean what’s going on up here,” he said, stepping in front of me and tapping on my forehead. “You know that this isn’t right, correct? We’ll all stay out here for as long as you need us to. We have your back. But it feels like there’s something else going on. What is it?”
“I couldn’t take it if something happened to him. I mean, I really couldn’t take it,” I told him with tears forming in my eyes.
I wasn’t an emotional guy. Things didn’t get to me. I made sure of it. But as I imagined losing him in all of the ways I could have, the feeling threatened to tear me apart. I could barely stand it.
“Who did you lose?” Claude asked me, cutting to the quick.
At first, I didn’t know what he was talking about. I thought I was just trying to keep the boy I loved safe. And then it hit me. When the image filled my mind, I couldn’t let it go.
“I lost Tim,” I said in a whisper, overcome with emotion. “One day he seemed perfectly fine, and the next thing I know, my mother was telling me that he was being taken to a hospital out of state. I never saw him again. He was a guy I loved, and he had died. I didn’t even get to say goodbye,” I told my brother with tears rolling down my cheeks. “I can’t lose Hil too. I can’t lose him like I did Tim.”
Claude wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. I couldn’t control myself. Everything inside of me came pouring out. Hil had been right; I was imprisoning him. It wasn’t an act of love. It was desperation.
He couldn’t live like this. I couldn’t either. I needed to free him. Or at least let him be free.
Leaving Claude, I wandered back to the porch and returned to my rocking chair. I thought about everything; Hil, Tim, the surgery I had yet to tell my mother she needed. How many mistakes had I made?
I should have told Tim how I felt about him before it was too late. Now that we had the money for her surgery, I needed to prepare her and set that all in motion. And I had to do the hardest thing I could imagine. I had to let Hil go.
He was right. He was living like a prisoner. This was the way to keep him alive, but this wasn’t living. He deserved so much more than this. Maybe it was best for him to disappear again like he had from his family. Perhaps once he was gone and my mother could handle everything on her own, I could join him.
Whatever he did, it had to be his choice. He hadn’t chosen the cage I had locked him in. And I had only done it because of my fear that I would lose him like I lost the only other guy I loved.
I couldn’t keep doing this to him. Even if it meant losing him, I had to let him live. I just needed to make sure he knew how I felt about him before anything happened.
Abandoning my post on the porch, I went inside in search of Hil. He was in the kitchen making breakfast. Even with his back to me, I could tell he was crying. I had done this to him. My heart wrenched knowing that I had.
“Can I help you with anything?” I asked, standing in the doorway.
“Do I have any choice about it?” he spit, wounding me.
“I’ll go,” I told him, turning away.
“No,” he said, stopping what he was doing to brace himself on the counter. “Cali, I’m mad at you,” he said, not looking at me.
“I know. I’m sorry. I truly am.”
“I know you are,” he said, turning to face me with tear-stained cheeks. “And that’s what makes it so frustrating. I know you’re just trying to help me. Everyone’s just trying to help me. But I’m not helpless. Can’t anyone see that?”
“No one thinks you’re helpless,” I said, needing to comfort him. Holding his narrow forearms in my hand, I kissed his palms. “And, you’re right. I wasn’t giving you the respect you deserved. You’re strong and capable. I’m sorry.”
Accepting my apology, he freed his arms and placed his hands on my chest stepping closer to me.
“If you think I’m so capable, then why aren’t you trusting me to defend myself?”
I held his shoulders, needing to touch him.
“You’re right. I should have been,” I conceded.
“No, I’m serious. Why was it that the first thing you did was to lock me up like I was a broken bird? I need to know. If you think I’m weak, you have to tell me. It’s the only way I’ll get stronger.”
“That’s not it,” I assured him.
“But it has to be. What other explanation is there?”
I lowered my head as echoes of the past deafened me.
“You aren’t the first guy I loved,” I said almost at a whisper.
