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“What?”
“I said, when I was a kid there was another boy I loved.”
Lifting my gaze from the floor, I found his eyes. I couldn’t tell if it was hurt, surprise, or a mixture of every emotion that was staring back at me.
“Who was it?”
“He was my best friend.”
“Have I met him?”
“He died.”
Heartbreak reflected on Hil’s face.
“I’m so sorry.”
“It was my fault,” I admitted for the first time saying it aloud.
“What? How?”
“I broke his heart.”
Tears returned to Hil’s eyes. “Tell me.”
I gathered my strength. Taking a deep breath, I looked him in the eyes.
“From the first time he sat next to me at lunch, I knew there was something different about him. I never said anything about it. But I could feel it. It excited me. I wasn’t sure why.
“As time went on, I started to figure it out. He would look at me, and when he did, my body would tingle. I knew what his staring meant. He liked me in a way that boys weren’t supposed to. It was embarrassing, but mostly because I liked him that way too.
“The feeling was uncontrollable. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. When I was with him, nothing else in the world mattered.
“I was willing to continue on this way, but eventually, Tim was not. The last time I saw him was one day when we went to our favorite creek to fish. Once we got there, he looked at me with light in his eyes. He told me he wanted to take a dip. When I agreed, he told me we should do it naked.
“As close as we were, we had never done that. I had fantasized about a lot of things with Tim by that point, so I wasn’t sure what I should do. Eventually, I gave in to what we both wanted, and he didn’t hide how excited he was at what we were doing.
“In spite of that, we floated close to each other. Neither of us said a word. And when we were practically on top of each other and he caught me staring at his excitement through the clear water, he leaned forward and kissed me.
“As much as I wanted it, what he did made me panic. I backed away and scrambled out. He tried to apologize as I got dressed but I wouldn’t hear it. It wasn’t that he wasn’t kind and beautiful and the best friend that I had ever had. It was that I wasn’t ready to accept who I was.
“When he tried to call me later, I ignored the call. I did the same thing when he tried to talk to me at school. And when it felt like everyone at lunch knew what we had done, I did something that I could never take back.
“There were a group of guys on the football team who I barely knew. They all sat at the same table and I knew that they could be jerks.
“Needing to prove how much of a man I was, I walked over to them and told them what Tim had done. There was no reason for it. They hadn’t asked. But I outed my best friend for feeling the desire I also felt and they began making fun of him for it.
“I felt awful. I knew that I had done the worst thing anyone could do to someone they loved. And before I could ask for his forgiveness, his mother took him out of school. He had a condition that he hadn’t shared with me, and the sadness he felt by my betrayal had lowered his immune system. He died from it.
“Maybe I hadn’t pulled a trigger or hit him with a car, but it was my betrayal that had killed him. I’m sure of it. So now there’s no way I’m not going to do everything I can to protect the man I love.”
Hil stared at me with pain in his eyes. He didn’t say word. Instead, he wrapped his arms around my waist and laid his cheek on my chest. I understood. There was nothing to say. My crime was undeniable. What I had done was unforgivable. I could never forgive myself.
“Thank you for telling me that,” Hil said kindly.
After holding me for what felt like a long time, he pulled away.
“Would you like to help me with breakfast?” he asked, not bringing up the topic again.
