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“Is he anyone I know?”
“No. And I’m hoping he’s someone you’ll never know.”
“What if I wanna know him?”
My mother didn’t respond. Instead, she said,
“I’ve began to wonder if I’ve made the wrong decision with him. After he found out that I was pregnant with you, he did ask me to stay. I didn’t want to raise you in that world, though. I didn’t think you would make it past twenty. What chance does someone have growing up with a role model like that? I wanted you to be able to choose the direction of your life, not have them chosen for you.
“And I never second guessed that decision until you told me about Hil’s family. Was there a path somewhere in there where you could have become Hil? Could you have been happy? Could you have turned out all right?
“Who is to say? But one thing I do know is that Hil is not your father. There are some risks that, no matter the consequence, is worth taking. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, is he the right risk for you.”
I stood stunned. In those few minutes I had learned more about myself and my mother than I had my entire life. I had given up Hil for her as much as anyone. In a roundabout way, had she told me that she had regretted her choice to leave my father? I wasn’t sure. But what I was sure about was that she wanted me to be with the man I loved.
I had tried to live without him. But what I had been doing these past few weeks wasn’t living. I was alive, but that was it. Was there another way?
What he had said was true. Being with him was a risk to everyone around me. But, what if the only one around me was him? Was I willing to give up everything to be with him? I still had three years left at school. I had my mother who would need help even after surgery. And I had my brothers who I was just starting to get to know.
But, Hil was my guy. I was sure of it. I didn’t want him to go through everything he had to alone.
He hadn’t asked to be born into the family he was. He didn’t do anything to invite the danger that surrounded him. He needed me even more than my mother or my brothers did.
I needed to be there for him whether he asked me to or not. I loved that man. His pain was my pain. And I wasn’t going to take no for an answer.
Deciding that nothing was going to stop me, I first considered how I was going to contact him. He had never given me his number. He didn’t have to. We had been living together.
The only time we had spoken on the phone was when he called to break things off. It was on our landline. Did landlines work like cell phones? Could I get a list of every call that was made or received if I looked at the bill?
Knowing the day that he called, I signed into our account online and found it. I was stunned. I had the number he called me from. I could call him back. What was I going to say?
Calling him from a cell phone, I listened as it rang. When he saw my name, would he pick up? He had made it clear that he had wanted things to be over between us. But hadn’t he also said that he loved me?
“Hello?” Hil’s beautiful voice said, making my heart melt.
“Hil?”
“Cali, I don’t know if you should be calling me,” he said with an all too familiar sadness.
“I had to. I know what you said. I remember. But please, hear me out. Will you do that?”
For a moment, there was only silence.
“Yes,” he eventually said, giving me a hint of hope.
This was it. This could be the last time I ever spoke to him, or it could be the beginning of the rest of our lives. I couldn’t mess this up. What could I tell him that would change his mind? I didn’t know. So, all that was left was to speak from the heart.
“You know I love you. You know I would do anything to protect you. So, that’s not what I want to say. What I want to say is that I don’t want you to be alone.
“On the days that you’re sad and you need someone to hold your hand and just be there for you, I want to be the one. When you’re feeling cranky for no good reason and you just need to be picked up, I want to be with you. During the times when you’re thinking about how unfair life is and that you got put into positions that no one should have to go through, I wanna go through it with you.
“You don’t deserve to go through this alone. Any of this. You are the most incredible guy I’ve ever met, and you deserve to be with someone who sees it and loves it and can’t live without it.
“If it’s not me, it should be someone else. I’m hoping it’s me, though. Because the idea of sharing a life with you makes me happier than anything I can imagine.
“You are the star I sail towards. You are my reason to wake up. Will there be risks? Yes. But aren’t there always?
“Relationships are nothing but risks. I could end up hurt. So could you. So could everyone around us. But that shouldn’t stop us.
