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He looked at me, clenching his jaw. Calming himself, he explained.
“You don’t feel like a whole person. Probably because your father never accepted you for who you are. So now you’re going to spend the rest of your life chasing after what you couldn’t get as a kid. And when one thing can’t give it to you, you’ll put all of your attention on something else, like, oh, I don’t know, the acceptance of a bunch of football players in a league that doesn’t give two shits about you.”
“Or, a straight best friend I can’t get over,” I realized.
Jason stared at me with his mouth hanging open. “Of course he is. I knew there was someone else. And I should have known he was straight. The harder you have to struggle to get it, the better, right? You couldn’t just love the guy in front of you offering it. You have to fight for it to make it feel real.” Jason winced. “I hate it when my therapist is right.”
I stared at my ex, amazed. “If that’s true, then what do I do about it? Because I’m seriously out of ideas.”
“Here’s a thought. And this might sound crazy. But instead of just focusing on what you need, why don’t you try doing something for someone else for a change? And not because it’s going to get you something. But because it will help them. Have you tried that?” He asked snarkily.
Jason looked around and then back at me.
“You know what, I don’t even want to eat here anymore. You can have it. I have too much going on to deal with this,” he said before turning around and storming off.
Watching Jason walk away, I was stunned. I would have liked to believe that the grim picture he painted of me wasn’t true, but it felt real. Wasn’t what he said the reason I was obsessed with Claude?
From the moment I saw him, it was his difference that drew me to him. I was just some puny white kid from a small town in Oregon. He was this incredibly cool Black guy who was athletic, good-looking, and had his shit together. On top of that, he was straight.
If I could get someone like that to like me, wouldn’t that prove that what my father said about me wasn’t true? Wouldn’t having Claude as a best friend prove my worth? So when my feelings for him threatened to ruin everything, I flipped out. I lost my mind because who was I without him?
Oh God, Jason was right. I’m just this black hole looking for things to fill it. Did I even love Claude, or did I just love the idea of him? I wasn’t sure anymore. The only thing I was sure of was that I was starved. So as soon as Jason’s breakfast spot opened, I ordered one of everything and tried to fill another hole.
Having been given a lot to think about, I returned home after my meal and thought about it all. That lasted until I fell asleep, which was around the same time I had fallen asleep the day before. Apparently, not sleeping for 48 hours can throw off your sleeping schedule.
But, in a way, it was good. Waking up after dark and going to sleep before noon gave me a lot of alone time. It helped me figure a few things out. For one, I hadn’t just used Claude to feel better about myself. He and I genuinely had a good time together. We laughed when we were together, and we had shared interests.
That didn’t mean that what Jason had said wasn’t true. It was. Being with Claude validated me in a way that I can’t fully explain.
But, was that wrong? Wasn’t it good to feel lucky to be with the person you’re with? Isn’t that a sign that your relationship will last?
Perhaps where I went wrong was when I made Claude everything and not just a part of who I was. If Claude was everything, then losing him meant that I would lose everything. There had to be a part of me that remained without him. And, as Jason said, I had to start treating him like a friend and not just the person who validated me.
Oh shit, I have screwed so many things up. But I was done wallowing about it. I didn’t want to be that guy any more. I wanted to be better, for Claude. Even if he didn’t want to be friends anymore, I wanted to help him be happy. What would make Claude happy?
As I fought to realign my sleeping schedule, I thought about this. On the day that I woke up at 9 AM, it was with an answer. Although he was reluctant to say it, he had admitted that he wanted to play football again. I had torpedoed his chance at playing for the Cougars, but I still believed he was a generational talent.
If he was properly trained and back to where he was when he won us our third Division II title, he would make an NFL team. The question was, how could NFL scouts see him play to recommend him to their teams? If he was still a student, I could invite scouts to games. But, having graduated early, he forfeited his college eligibility.
That was when it hit me. I knew exactly how I could get NFL scouts to see him. And, I knew who could make it happen.
“Oh God, what is it?” Jason said when he answered my call.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said to me. And I would like to apologize again for being such a bad boyfriend to you. Everything you said about me was right. I do have a big hole, and you couldn’t fill it. No one person could.”
“I think it sounds worse when you say it,” Jason said, unmoved by my apology.
“In any case, I’ve decided I’m going to start focusing on the needs of others and not just mine.”
“This is progress,” he said, perking up.
“And, I would like to start by helping you.”
“Really? This ought to be good. Go on.”
“What if I told you that I have an NFL prospect that none of the other scouting agencies know about, but would be the number one draft pick if they did?”
Jason paused.
