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Leaving my building, headed for the historic part of Pensacola, my mind wandered. What must it have been like to live here a hundred and fifty years ago? Could there have been a man who walked the same path, thinking the same things as I was?
Surrounded by the stone buildings and quaint stores, I found the breakfast café I had once gone to. Waiting for it to open, I thought about the last time I was here. It was months ago, after a night at my ex’s place. He had asked me if I wanted to see his favorite breakfast spot. This had been it. So whenever I saw it, I thought about,
“Merri?” A familiar voice said, turning me around.
“Jason?” I said, staring into my ex’s eyes.
Immediately pissed, Jason crossed his arms defiantly.
“I was the one who introduced you to this spot. This is my spot. I’m not leaving.”
“I’ll go,” I conceded, knowing he was right.
As I walked away, I thought about what it meant that I would run into him now. It wasn’t like he came here every day. He traveled almost as much as I did.
“Wait, can I talk to you for a second?” I asked, turning around.
He exhaled exhaustively. “What?” he snapped.
I lowered my head. “I didn’t handle things well with you.”
“No shit,” he confirmed.
“Right. And, I guess I would like to apologize for it.”
Jason looked at me, confused. “What’s going on here?”
“I’m apologizing for being a piece of shit to you; for being a piece of shit in general,” I said, with my eyes welling up.
Jason looked at me heartlessly. That lasted until he threw his head back and groaned, annoyed.
“Although I would like you to feel like a piece of shit, you’re not a piece of shit, Merri.”
“You’re saying that because you don’t know me. I ruin people’s lives. I’m a selfish asshole,” I admitted, failing to hold back my tears.
“No, you’re not.”
“But I am,” I insisted.
“Merri, it’s hard enough not hating you right now. Don’t make me have to say nice things about you. You hurt me. It’s taking a lot out of me to not let you beat yourself up.”
“I’m sorry. See, I’m not good.”
“Would you like to know what your problem is, Merri?”
“What’s that?”
“You’re empty,” he said accusingly.
“What?”
“You heard me. You have this hole inside of you that you keep trying to fill with things. You think that if you’re the perfect gay, the football gods will like you, and it will fill your hole. Well, I tried to fill your hole, Merri. I tried really hard. But your hole is bigger than the both of us.”
Jason stopped as an old woman walked by, staring at him.
“It was a metaphor,” he yelled at her. He turned to me. “You know what I meant.”
“I’m not sure I do,” I said honestly.
