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Knight leans forward and stares me down. “If you lose River, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. She’s your wife now. There’s a difference because you’re a different man. She’s different too and if nothing else she deserves the truth. She also deserves the option to choose. Don’t lie to her and stop being the coward.”
Only he could call me out on being a coward be right. It’s not a nice thing to be called. Neither is it a label I want to accept. Denying it would have the added effect of being cowardly.
I can do brave things like walk into a prison and talk big in front of assholes like Sasha, but when it comes to hurting River with the truth, I’ve been running away for years with my tail between my legs.
I can’t argue with Knight. He’s right again about everything, but I feel like my back is up against the wall.
I’ve tried to make up for the past in all the ways I thought would help her and hopefully redeem me, but only telling the truth can give me the complete redemption I seek.
I want to be with River. That is all I want more than life itself or anything in my life.
Letting her go would kill me.
The pathway to keeping her in my life is telling her the truth. It would be a start
whether she can forgive me or not.
River deserves to know the truth along with a real explanation of the reason I broke up with her eight years ago, and I just have to accept the consequences again.
For good or for bad. I could lose her forever.
I have to find the right time to tell her everything, and it has to be soon.
Maybe if she knows how much I’ve always loved, then but a million more times now, it might help.
The selfish parts of me are hungry and desperate for her forgiveness.
I hope she’ll allow me to earn it.
I hope she can.
I truly hope she can.
Chapter29
River
I’m sitting on the window bay in the bedroom, going insane with worry.
I’ve been a mess since I got the message from Sasha. I haven’t been able to do anything besides worry and explore those worries in my all too vivid nightmares.
They’re back, but this time I keep seeing Sasha pulling a gun on Jericho and shooting him. That’s the image I’m cursed with, so I’ve barely slept in the three days that he’s been gone. I’ve barely eaten and hardly left this spot by the window, and I haven’t gone anywhere.
Eden has been staying with me, Dad has even come by, and the staff have been even more attentive than they usually are. Everyone has been great, but this shell of myself where I’m constantly on edge and so terrified I can scarcely breathe is what Sasha Konstantin does to me.
People with my kind of scars find it harder to heal. Our wounds go deeper than the surface. They run deeper past your blood, past your veins, past your soul.
You’re never the same again once you get them.
God knows how truly grateful I am to Jericho for going all the way to Russia to face my demon and stare my dragon in the eye to tell him to leave me alone, but I know this won’t be over.
That’s not how Sasha works.
Jericho is supposed to be coming back later, most likely in the early hours of the morning. I can’t to see him. Just to see him and know that he’s safe.
Then I have to tell him the dreadful decision I’ve come to.
Leaving.
