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“Fuck, Richard. It’s not like you are asking us to sleep with you, is it? You like and love who you do. The same as we do. If Daniel is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, then who are we to argue? Doesn’t change who you are or have been for the past few years. Just means you can be you. Now, if we have gotten that out of the way, what are we doing about the wife?”
Both offices erupted into laughter, me included. Kye was always the one to be blunt and to the point. We knew he had a vulnerable side, but except for that one morning when he confessed everything, most of us had and probably will never see it again.
“I think what Kye is trying to say in his own articulate way is, it doesn’t matter to any of us. What matters is you can finally be the real you and stop hiding who you are.”
I looked over at Nathan, who was giving a disapproving look at Kye while speaking to me. Kye looked at his friend and immediately spoke.
“What? I didn’t say anything that all of you weren’t thinking. Look, Richard, I’m sorry if I have offended you. But what does it matter if you are gay or not? This isn’t the 1940’s. I think being part of the LGBTQ+ community these days is well-respected. We all knew that you were gay, so don’t expect us to be surprised at you coming out. Now, as I said, can we deal with the job so we can get the two lovebirds together forever?”
I knew he couldn’t keep his wit back for long. Since he had finally gotten together with Abigail and they had the twins, Kye was a completely different man. His sarcasm and wit were still there, but there was definitely a lighter side to him now. One that I was truly pleased to see. He was right in what he said. Did it matter that I had finally come out and they weren’t shocked? No. All it did was make me realise that I should have done it years ago, been honest from the start, but then would I have had Daniel in my life? Perhaps. Perhaps not. All I knew was he was here now, and I was going to make the most of it.
We spent the next thirty minutes running through the case. It seemed pretty simple. I would look into the financial affairs of everyone concerned, while one of the newest employees of the team would do the reconnaissance and get the proof that Daniel needed to finally be rid of the woman he had been forced to marry. I was nervous about the whole situation, not just because this was a case regarding the man I had fallen in love with, but also because it was the first time I had headed up a case like this. Usually, I just got involved with computer espionage or money laundering.
Every member of the team offered me their support, and Tyler even offered to come up to London for a few days if I needed it. The way they had all rallied around me made me feel welcome and the opposite of what I had expected. I was finally out to the world. Well, to those that mattered anyway. I could finally live my life the way I wanted to. I no longer had to worry about what my colleagues would think of me, because now I knew. They had accepted me as a homosexual man and had not shied away from me or said they were not happy. All in all, I felt like a normal human being right now, and not treated differently by anyone I cared for or loved.
We finished off our morning meeting as usual, and I headed out of the meeting room and down to my office to get started on Daniel’s case. I was surprised when there was a knock at the door, and it was opened before I could even say a word. That meant one thing—or one person, I should say. Kye.
I felt my stomach drop as he walked through the door, and sweat started to form on my hands and forehead as my anxiety started to increase. Had he come in here to tell me exactly what he thought of me? That everything he had said in the meeting room was just to please everyone else and he couldn’t stand the thought of working with me now?
He closed the door behind him as I sat there nervously waiting for him to say something. When he sat down in the chair opposite me, I started to second-guess myself. Surely if he was going to lay into me about how he hatedmy kind, he wouldn’t have sat down. I continued to look on nervously, waiting for him to speak. He must have realised this, because it wasn’t long before he spoke.
“Richard, look, I know we haven’t really spoken much the past few years. Hell, until recently, I never really spoke to anyone. I just wanted to tell you that I know today was difficult for you. It probably didn’t need to be, but I can imagine what you have been going through. If you remember I made a similar confession not so long ago about my mental health. I just wanted to offer you my support and apologise. I’ve probably said things in the past that I’m not proud of, and they may have upset you. I guess part of my past has finally caught up with me again.”
My eyes immediately met his. I could see hurt and pain in them. There was more to this than just something he’d said to me. This related to him and him alone. I knew he had been speaking to a counsellor, but I had a feeling that whatever this was about was something he wouldn’t mention to them. If he was coming in here, trying to get something out in the open, then I had to try to get him to tell me what it was and help his own healing process.
I looked at him with a slight smile of reassurance. “What happened, Kye?”
He hesitated for a while, an internal struggle going on in his head, and sighed.
“I’d just like to say that I don’t hate gay men. Well, perhaps just one in particular. What I am about to say, no one knows. Not even Abigail, Nathan, or my counsellor, and I’d like to keep it that way. Just between the two of us. I need you to understand why I have made comments in the past that I have. They were never specifically aimed at you.”
I was starting to realise that this was more serious than I thought, and the fact that he was willing to trust me with his past made me realise what he thought of me, without even saying a word.
“It stays in these four walls, Kye. I’ve entrusted things to Tyler, and he never told a soul. You all know those secrets now. I would never tell a soul what you say here now, and I will take it to my deathbed unless you tell the guys yourself.”
He gave me a sad smile and just nodded his head. I would be taking this to my deathbed with me because I had a feeling that what he was about to tell me, he would never tell another soul. I was shocked when Kye started to speak again and told me his story.
“I was nearly eighteen when it happened. I had gotten involved with a gang on the island and was running errands and selling drugs for them. I’d always suspected the leader of the gang was gay. He always seemed to have young boys going into his office regularly, never any women or girls. I remember everything about that day: the day, the time, and even what the weather was like. I memorised everything about it, perhaps to try to cover the pain it brings me whenever I think about it.”
I could see a lone tear appear in his eye and roll down his face. I guessed I knew what he was going to say before he even said it. I didn’t want him to say any more if it was too difficult for him, so I chose that moment to stop him.
“Kye, you don’t have to go on. I think I can guess what happened to you. If it’s too painful, you can stop.”
He immediately put his hand up to stop me.
“I need to say this, Richard. More for me than you. I need to unburden myself from the pain I have lived with over this. I’ve already done that with most of the other stuff in my life, but have always held back on this because I was embarrassed that I let it happen to me.
“I was called into his office one day. I had been plenty of times before, but this day was different. I knew my boss had a crystal meth habit, and I could tell when I walked in that he was on a high. I guess he hadn’t been able to get one of his boys to take care of him that day, so being the youngest in the gang, I was his chosen victim. I was young, vulnerable, and naïve, so didn’t think anything when he asked me to go over to the table and grab the handcuffs that were on there. I didn’t stand a chance; he was quicker and bigger than me. The next thing I knew, the handcuffs were on my wrists, my legs were in clamps attached to the table, and my jeans sliced off me with a pen knife.”
I could see the lone tear had turned into many, flowing down his face and cheeks. I wanted to go around the table and hold him, give him some comfort, but knowing the story he was telling me, I didn’t want to add to how he was feeling. He took a deep breath and continued. Part of me wanted him to stop. I didn’t want to hear what happened next, but I knew he needed to say it. He needed to release the memories from his own head.
“He spent the next hour raping me repeatedly. The drugs flowing throughout his body must have given him the added stamina he needed to keep going. I was pleading with him to stop, begging him to let me go, and that I wouldn’t tell anyone. When he was done with me, he released me from my bindings and told me to leave. That was it. Not even a thank you. Not that I would have appreciated it.
“That was the first time I considered killing myself. The first night my best friend found me sitting there drunk with a knife in my hand. Looking back, I guess that was what triggered my spiral into the depressive state of mind. Not losing Sofia or the things I had seen since, but that one day.”
What did I say? WhatcouldI say to this man sitting in front of me? I sat there for a moment in silence as Kye continued to look down at his hands that were now uncontrollably shaking, maybe not from pain, but from the anger he was feeling. Slowly, he looked up and met my eyes with his, which were now red and bloodshot from the tears he’d shed. He gave me a weak smile.
“I’m sorry you had to hear that, Richard. I guess I just wanted you to understand why I said some of the things I did. Also probably because I thought you would be the only person who would understand what I’d gone through and not look at me in revulsion. The way he had from that day on. I don’t think he wanted to be gay. He didn’t want to sleep with men. That’s why he chose innocent boys and tied them up. He wanted to try to control a situation that he didn’t want to be in. Sorry, I’m rambling. I’ll let you get on.”
