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“I know you were in the dark, Mom.” I take her hands in mine. “What I don’t understand is how you know aboutthis life,as you put it, or what you’re doing here and why Darío called youLa Llonora. What’s really going on?”
She wipes her eyes before standing and pulling me toward the room she was just in. There’s a large desk in the center, three walls of photos and a large open window with billowing curtains.
“I was in here praying for your arrival.” She smiles at me, doing the sign of the cross over her chest in thanks. “There’s so much about me you don’t know,mi hija. So much I wanted to keep from you and your brother, but I guess I can’t do that anymore. .”
She gives me a tearful smile as she smoothes the back of her hand over my cheek.
“From the time I was born to about your age, I lived in this very room. I was all alone my entire life, despite growing up in a home that was filled with my brothers and parents. My father was a cruel man, someone I am grateful no longer walks the same plane as you, my sweet girl. His name was José Vargas and I amLa Lloronawho cried the tears to end his life.”
Her delicate jaw grinds and her eyes lose a bit of their shine as her mind takes her far away with her story. I’ve never seen her like this before.
No, that’s not true. I’ve seen her like this once before, only more crazed.
My mind flashes to a time when she called Vicente the name of her father, her distant eyes at the time were filled with rage and fear almost like they are now. I stand patiently at her side, knowing she needs my silence in order to continue a story she’s never told me before.
“He was the leader of the Vargas cartel but as I said, he was incredibly cruel. He abused my mother and me for years—until the very end, actually. He never allowed us to do anything outside the walls of our home and he certainly never allowed me the freedom to find a love or life of my own. My brothers, Hugo and Junior were loyal to him and cared very little for me or our poor mother. They would mock me when they’d find me after one of my father's fits, broken, bleeding,used.”
My hand covers my mouth as I picture my small mom on the floor at my feet, her clothes ripped from her as her own brothers laughed at her. I wrap my arms around her waist, her docile attitude suddenly making sense to me. She’s been trying to be invisible since she was a child.
“I thought I would die alone in this room, until one day I met your father, Carlo Guerra.”
“What?”I ask shocked, stepping back and looking at her.
She nods and sits down. “He was the second in command for my father’s rival, the Delagos Don, who was here meeting with my father.”
She smiles at the memory of this man I don’t know, the man who helped bring me into this world. Myrealfather.
“What happened to him,Mami?”
Her smile vanishes with my question and I wish I could take the words back.
“We fell hard and fast for one another; cartel men don’t know what slow is or how to stop themselves from falling in love faster than the rest of the world. I didn’t either, being as starved for affection as I was. We made promises to each other, whispered vows for a future we’d never see.”
Her tears track down her face, her chin trembling as she looks down at her wringing hands.
“My father caught us one night and killed him in my bed, then beat me until I was unconscious. At the time, I didn’t know I was pregnant with twins.”
I jump in my seat, my heart pounding in my chest. “Twins?!”
She continues as if I hadn’t interrupted, a crazed sort of look entering her features. “Of course, I didn’t know until birth that I was having twins, but by the time I realized I was pregnant, a war had already broken out between the families. I knew I needed to protect what Carlo had given me, but as long as the Vargas cartel was in power, I’d never be able to do that. So, under the cover of night, I went to the Delagos mansion and threw myself at the feet of the Don, crying and begging for him to avenge my love. I told him everything my father had done to me and how he killed Carlo. I didn’t tell him I was pregnant, though. No, no, I didn’t tellanyone. I helped Delagos overthrow José in exchange for my life and freedom. I didn’t leave Mexico right away though, even after my father’s putrid blood ran through the streets. I wanted to have my child in the same place their father and I met.”
“W-what happened to your mother?”
She shakes her head sadly, even as a menacing smile stretches across her face.
“She chose wrong and refused to leave with me. She yelled at me, called me alunatic!”
She laughs a bit hysterically, her wild eyes looking at me. “Can you believe that?¡Ella era la loca!”
I nod my head, agreeing instantly so she won’t get anymore triggered than she already is. “She was the crazy one, Mom, not you.”
It’s like I didn’t even speak, my mom just continues on as though she’s reading from some fucked up book.
“Once she spoke those vile words to me, she had chosen her fate, but it wasn’t with her only daughter. Even when I confessed to my pregnancy, she told me to get away from her and stayed cradling Junior’s head as though the piece of shit loved her. Foolish woman. Before the Delagos could find her, I stabbed my mother in the heart with a knife for being too weak to stand up for me. For stabbing my heart with her abandonment.”
I drop my head into my hands. “Fuck, Mom. That’s a lot.”
I swallow the water flowing in my mouth, the need to throw up strong as nausea churns in my stomach.
