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“I didn’t say you were, I just...”
Is he trying to be a dick?
He takes a deep breath.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Sterling, I’m sorry I even opened my mouth.” I can’t even look in his eyes. Everything about that time floods me with memories, feelings, finger-pointing, the long nights spent awake hearing my mom cry. It was an awful time for me. One I really don’t want to relive, and especially don’t want to be blamed for.
I was hoping that my vulnerability would make Callan comfortable enough to share his own story. I wasn’t expecting him to psychoanalyze my trauma and side with my mom after the way she has hurt me.
“It’s hard enough for me to open up about this kind of stuff. The last thing I need is for someone to tell me that my feelings are invalid,” I whisper-shout as I push myself out from the table.
“Sterling, wait.” Callan reaches for my wrist. “Please, stay. I really didn’t mean for any of what I said to come out the way it did.”
I watch him with cautious eyes, his posture is sorrowful as he waits for me to respond. I notice a few people at other tables are watching us, and I’m suddenly embarrassed by my reaction.
“Maybe I overreacted,” I reply gingerly as I sit back down in my seat. “I wanna be honest with you about these things Callan. Some people just have unresolved trauma that maybe they aren’t necessarily trying to figure out, but talking about it helps.”
“I don’t usually know how to converse with people when it comes to emotional stuff like this, I’ll admit that much. I was always taught to show and feel no emotion. And just know that I’m not defending your mom, or your dad, or anyone for that matter.”
I want you to defend me, I want to say, but the idea is ridiculous because we’re just starting to dive in to a deeper territory here.
“But I just thought that maybe there might be a reason why your mom acted the way she did, just as you had a reason to make the choices you did. That’s all.”
Callan speaks with such conviction, maybe even from experience. A side I’ve never seen from him. And here I am practically screaming at him – on his birthday – about how he can’t possibly know what it feels like to have deep-rooted issues. I can tell he’s being genuine when he says he’s learning from me, because I’m learning from him, too.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’ve been the one so caught up in my own world, my own sorrows, my own need for happiness, that I didn’t even take the time to stop and figure out why my mom acted the way she did when I decided to leave.
My entire personality changes when I’m around this man. But the more time I spend with him, I realize that it’s because I’m just learning how to find myself. Be my true self. Allowing myself to go through the motions of everything that I felt like I had to suppress because I never felt good enough to be myself.
“You’re right, and I’m sorry for getting angry with you.”
“What did I tell you about apologizing too much, Sterling?” he jokes, his genuine smile making my body crave in the best way possible. “You’re allowed to feel the way you do. You have those emotions for a reason and they’re yours to feel.” He sits back looking almost shocked at his own words and trust me…me too.Who is the man?Cuz it’s not the Callan I met nearly a month ago.
But he’s being hypocritical.
“What about you, then?” I ask, letting my body loosen a little as I lean back into my chair, allowing this conversation to grow between the two of us.
“What about me?”
“You said you were taught to live without emotions and feelings. But right now, it doesn’t sound like that. It sounds like you have this wholeemotionsthing down to a science. So, why don’t you follow your own advice?”
I can see him trying to form the words in his head, as his pupils dilate and darken.
“Come on. I shared my screwed-up family trauma with you. Spill.” I take a sip of my wine, watching him with curious eyes.
“Well, for starters, my dad is the absolute fucking worst.” We both laugh. I love seeing this relaxed, yet sincere version of Callan. “Growing up, he was always so strict with me, and only me. I hated it when my mom left for work because it meant I was stuck with him. When my sister was born, I’d thought,Great. Now he’ll leave me alone and pick on her.But I was wrong. It felt like he only got harder on me from there.”
“That must’ve been so hard,” I empathize, and I swear I see a small ocean pool in his eyes, like this is the first time anyone has taken the time to really listen. He nods softly and sucks in a deep breath.
“It really fucking sucked. But then I felt like a total asshole for hating him when he told me he has cancer. It was like, the dam holding back all of my emotions broke open and flooded my mind all at once. It enraged me at first and it’s not just about the way he has mistreated me. He mistreated my mom even worse.”
“What do you mean?” Callan swallows hard at my question. I gauge that he doesn’t really want to explain, so I wait for him with patient eyes and a small understanding smile.
“I mean, for as long as I can remember, he’s treated her like anything but his wife. Like a roommate. He was more devoted to his work than he ever was to her. And last week, we went over his last will and testament. He pretty much cut her out of it, leaving everything to me and my little sister.”
“That’s why you wanted to bid on that vacation for her,” I mumble under my breath, slowly putting the pieces together.
“My mom cheated on my dad.” Callan’s tone is stiff. I can tell he’s still struggling to process what he just said out loud.
