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“Callan, I’m so sorry.”
“She must’ve felt so neglected, her husband pouring every ounce of his energy into his work, leaving nothing for her. So, she looked for comfort in another man’s arms.” Callan fidgets with his wine glass, and a look of pain crosses his face. I’ve never seen him so disheveled in this way, vulnerable and on edge.
“Well, obviously they worked it out right? I mean, they’re still together.” I try to assure him.
“She got pregnant during her affair.”
Suddenly, I’m understanding more of his story. The betrayal and the lies. The hurt he must have endured, idolizing his mom, while she was living a secret life of her own.
“Callan, I had no idea that you were going through any of this.”
“How could you have? I don’t like to show these parts of my life to anyone.” He runs his hands through his hair, slightly disturbing the way his waves were slicked back.
“My dad has treated her the way he has, because of her betrayal. He wanted to leave, but he stayed for us. Me and my sister. Virginia found out months ago, when she was looking for her birth certificate for cheer camp and saw that there was no name underfather. I was so confused when she started treating my mom so disrespectfully, but my mom always explained it away as ‘classic teenage behavior.’ They were all keeping this massive secret from me.”
He takes a beat, trying to make sense of what he wants to say next.
There’s no way I can deny the way I feel for him in this moment. I really care for this man. When I look at him, I see someone who is just as broken as I am. Fragile. He’s just faking it because he has to.
I now understand why he is the way he is. Why he exudes power and passion in everything he does. Why he claims dominance and pride all while being closed-off and unavailable. It’s because he’s just as afraid as I am that he’s not good enough. But he is, he’s more than enough for me.
Callan goes on to explain that he feels like he misjudged his dad. He now understands why his dad was angry for so many years and why his mom stuck around anyway. She could have left, and he could have left, too. But they came to an agreement to make the family work.
“I don’t want to be like my dad. But I also fear that if I let anyone in, I’d experience the pain he felt. I think it’s why I stay away from feeling shit in general.” His admission is a deep one, an eye-opening one.
“It’s not good to keep it all bottled up, Callan.”
“That’s why I’m starting with you, Sterling.” Something pulls at my heart strings. But I try not to overthink that statement. I don’t want to ruin this moment.
It all makes sense. But I hate knowing he’s living his life this way. No one deserves to feel like they can’t be trusted, or like they’re not good enough to be treated with love and care.
Suddenly, it hits me. That’s the same way I feel.
Callan hands a credit card to the waiter as we agree we’re ready to get out of here. Having shared so much between the both of us, I’m desperate for a different kind of release.
“I have to use the ladies' room, first.” I get up and head toward the hall.
I wonder if he feels it like I do. Like it could be more than sex. I wonder if he’ll want more with me. He’s already broken his rule,only once.
As I enter the bathroom, I take a much-needed deep breath, allowing myself to let go of all the anger, sadness, and nervousness I was feeling over the last hour and a half.
I step out of the stall and toward the sink to wash my hands, when I’m startled by a woman’s voice coming from behind me.
“Has he fucked you yet?” I’m greeted with a snarky voice. I’m not one hundred percent sure she’s talking to me, but we’re the only ones in here.
I peek up from the sink and look into the mirror, my eyes meeting her reflection. She has long black hair and beady brown eyes. She’s wearing a black button-down blouse with the restaurant’s logo embroidered on her shirt pocket. She’s leaning up against the wall directly behind me with her arms crossed and one foot holding her balance as the other is kicked up behind her.
“Excuse me?” I question quietly, drying my hands on a paper towel to keep myself busy from turning to face her.
“Callan. I saw you with him. God, he looks fucking sexy tonight, doesn’t he?” She looks at me up and down.
“Do I know you?”
“You don’t, but Cal does. We’ve fucked a couple of times. Usually, right where you’re standing.” She points behind me and laughs a little under her breath as she notices how uncomfortable I am. I don’t know what to say. I pretend I’m still drying my hands on the same used paper towel because I don’t want to face her to throw it away.
“I’m guessing you’re the reason why he’s not tearing my clothes off right now.” She moves closer to me. Either she’s crazy or I’m missing something.
“He usually likes a little role-play with his dominance. Adds a little sugar to the spice.” She brings her index finger to her lips and tilts her head as if thinking about something. “Just kidding. No sugar, all spice.” She closes her eyes as her head falls back into laughter, I take this as my opportunity to escape, turning quickly toward the door.
