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That was the trouble. He never knew what would trigger a panic attack. A knock on the door. A cute Christmas caroler. A car backfiring. A gunshot off in the distance. Any loud noise. Crowds. Her definition of ‘nothing scary’ was guaranteed to be different than his, but he wanted to try for her—he wanted to be more than the recluse at the end of Diggers Lane, her Grinch Guy. So he did what she said, hoping for the best. As soon as he’d buckled his seat belt, he held out an open palm to her. “Phone.”
He typed his number into her contacts, then thought of Zach two-hearts and added his own emoji next to it before handing it back to her. “Send me a text later so I have yours—but now, tell me how your day went.”
“Well, I stopped first at Bellevue Stables, because it’s so close, and Hunter was right—Joy is just the nicest.” Lena came alive as she talked about each of the barns she’d visited. “And the McKenna women are forces to be reckoned with—which kind of comes with the horse lady territory.” She shot a sidelong glance at him. “Present company excepted, of course. Anyway, Hannah said I could help out galloping some of their horses until I get my own operation up and running. Then I went to the polo farm. That was fascinating. I don’t know a thing about polo, but Alex is just a fountain of knowledge and was happy to share it with me…” She kept going, telling him about the differences between ponying racehorses and polo ponies and a whole bunch of technical things he didn’t understand.
When they crossed the bridge into town, and she still hadn’t told him about her meeting with Hunter Sullivan, he was more than impatient.
“Lena.”
She stopped mid-sentence. “What?”
“The meeting. With Hunter. What did he have to say?”
“I was getting around to that.” She kept her eyes focused on the road, but she shifted her grip on the steering wheel, then adjusted the car’s air con, then flipped up the sun visor.
“Out with it.” It came out harsher than he meant.
“He said the property owners were willing to offer me a position as caretaker.” She was still fidgeting.
“That’s great, isn’t it?”
“Well. They were under the impression there would be two of us. I mean… I can fix a broken pipe or hammer loose wire back onto a fence post, but I’m not exactly handy and that’s what they want. Someone like you.” She shot him a glance and he hoped he didn’t look as caught off guard as he felt. “So I don’t know. I don’t see how it’s going to work, unless maybe…”
“They only want a couple?” His mouth had gone desert dry. Was she suggesting they… be a couple? Live together, at the abandoned farm? “Are you saying—” The rest of what he was going to ask got cut off as Lena jammed on the brakes.
“Is this Main Street? Shoot! I missed the turn!” She hesitated, whipping her head from side to side. “Is this right? I get so confused when I have to turn. Why do you guys have to drive on the wrong side of the road?”
“Lena, where are you trying to go?” He really wished he was the one driving instead of her as she wheeled the car into a U-turn, her actions quick and jerky.
She puffed out a sigh. “If I tell you, it won’t be a surprise. Oh! There it is.”
She turned onto the drive that led to the showgrounds, cars already parked along the verge, and he knew without her telling him. Carols by Candlelight. He’d seen the fliers for the event posted at the nursery when he’d gotten the tree—a night of favourite Christmas carols performed by local musicians and choirs. Of course Christmas Girl would want to attend. What normal person wouldn’t?
But he wasn’t sure he could do normal. He’d thought maybe she was taking him out to dinner somewhere, which was challenge enough.
He’d told Lena that he liked peace and quiet, and the scene at the showgrounds would be anything but. The driveway into the venue was already teeming with people and children and cars. His heart sped—but it could just be the excitement. He hadn’t done anything like this since he was a kid. Since before…Yeah, that was a thought he didn’t need to be having. He put his hands on his knees and focused on what Lena was saying.Her voice.
“This is so neat! It reminds me of a Fourth of July celebration in the States, but… Christmas, which is a million times better! We don’t have anything like this back home. Oh, and look at all the kids!” Lena was rambling, filling all the air space. He couldn’t tell if she was just trying to change the subject from Hunter Sullivan’s offer and what it had seemed like she’d been trying to ask him, or if she truly was excited about Carols by Candlelight. If she was, he didn’t want to ruin it for her.
But all he saw was car after car after car, and shadowy figures moving between them, darting in and out of the dark. He knew they were just kids wearing glow necklaces and carrying glow sticks, but the eerie flashes of light were like tracers. Adrenaline burst into his veins, and sent him back to that night, the night Noah had— No. He could not go there.
“Lena. I don’t know if this is a good—”
“What are you talking about? It doesn’t have to be good, it just has to be fun. And of course it will be fun. Christmas carols arealwaysfun!” She waggled her eyebrows at him.
She’d misunderstood what he meant. “No, Lena—” His throat closed before he could get the rest of the words out and his heart galloped like a runaway horse. There was no air to speak of. If he didn’t calm down, he was going to have a full-blown panic attack.
15
AN EMPTY HOLE
Lena took one look at Heath’s face and couldn’t believe she’d been so stupid. Not only had she tried bringing up Hunter Sullivan’s offer, but she’d done it at the exact moment they’d arrived at the Carols by Candlelight event. “Oh. Crap. Are you okay? Because, wow. This is way busier than I was expecting. I think the whole town must be here. I had no idea it would be so big.”
She kept babbling, but she changed tactics, hoping that something she said would penetrate through the curtain that had fallen between her and Heath as he was dragged more and more into himself. It had started the instant she’d floated the idea that Hunter wanted a couple to live at the farm, and it had only gotten worse. Heath was going somewhere else, somewhere that wasn’t the here and now, and she knew exactly what that meant: he was building up towards a panic attack. She should have known better than to bring him to a crowded place when he’d told her that he needed peace and quiet to keep his anxiety at bay.
In the passenger seat, Heath was heaving wheezing breaths. “I need to get home, Lena.”
She reached for his hand. “It’s going to be okay. I’m going to find a place to park and we’ll talk through it. Okay? Look at me. You can do this.”
