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“Yeah, I think it will be. But if we do this, it means…” There was more she wanted to tell him: the rest of what she wanted, more about what she hoped. Only when she opened her mouth, the words wouldn’t come. “Lena said you might know about work visas? Because you travel so much for your job?”
“My job?” Lachlan wasn’t tracking the conversation, and her heart went from the steady furious pounding of intense desire to something irregular and floaty. “Shit, Carissa. My job. I never, I didn’t think I needed to tell you—We weren’t supposed to—” Both his hands went to his temples and he let out the kind of sigh that was never good.
She needed distance, but getting off his bike from the position she’d gotten herself into was so awkward, she stumbled and practically fell over.
“Carissa. No. Wait.”
He reached for her, but she needed to not feel his touch. “What didn’t you tell me?”
A fling. This was only ever supposed to be a fling, and his reaction was exactly why. She’d wanted too much, even though she’d planned for it to be a fling. That’s all it was. No one had to get hurt, because it was only a fling.A fling, a fling, a fling. The word rang in her head over and over.
“I’m leaving on a work trip, after the New Year.”
It was exactly how long she’d originally planned to stay in Australia. The exact expiration date a fling with Lachlan would’ve had, if she’d stuck to her itinerary. It shouldn’t bother her. But suddenly having only two more weeks with him didn’t feel like enough. “Okay…Where are you going?” She could tell there was another shoe about to drop, because of the way he was parceling out the information, one tiny fact at a time.
“Malaysia.”
“What are you doing in Malaysia?” She knew the temperature couldn’t have dropped, but with each question she asked, each time she tried to pull more information from him, she went colder, as if all her blood was rushing to her heart, which was slowly breaking.
“I’m a defence consultant. I help create training models, mostly.”
“That sounds… exciting. And you always go to Malaysia?”
He shook his head. “That’s just this assignment.”
This time, she didn’t ask a question. She waited. He could be the one to fill the silence. He could fill in the gap in the information he was avoiding telling her.
“I’ll be gone for three months.”
“Three months?” She refused to let her legs buckle, even though her knees were trying their damnedest to give out.
“Yeah. I know it’s a long time, but I didn’t think—”
“It’s always the same.”
“What’s always the same?” He was off the bike now, coming toward her, his brows furrowed. She hadn’t realised she’d spoken the words aloud until he’d repeated them.
“Everyone leaves and then things fall apart.” Her voice warbled, and she didn’t know what was happening. She’d never said it aloud before, but it was the exact thought she’d had every time anything bad happened in her life—because it was always true. Still, it was supposed to be an inside thought. Lachlan must’ve caught her so off guard that her filter had completely malfunctioned and she was just saying whatever popped into her head.
“What are you talking about?” Lachlan’s hands were on her elbows, supporting her, keeping her upright. “What’s falling apart?”
Me, she wanted to say.My whole life. The dream she’d been clinging to, of what her life in Bindarra Creek might be like.
Instead, what tumbled out of her mouth was, “My dad left and my mom fell apart.” It was ancient history, but as soon as she’d uttered that one fact, the rest of her story was like a river she couldn’t dam if she’d tried. “Without him, she couldn’t keep our ranch going. She tried, kind of, but then she started drinking, taking pills, and she lost it. Herself. The ranch. Us—me and my brother. All of it. That place was supposed to be mine—mine and my brother’s. The whole life I’d planned out for myself, just gone. But you know, I wasn’t going to let myself be like her. I wasn’t going to disappoint myself like that. I picked up the pieces. I moved to the city and got a job at the racetrack. And that was really good for a long time. Only then my best friend left. Lena left, and everything fell apart again. Not a year later, and here I am. My whole job, everything I worked for is over. There is no racetrack, anymore. Not in the Bay Area. It’s gone. But I thought maybe I had a chance here. Working with Lena, and then—” She darted a glance at Lachlan, trying to gauge what he was thinking, how he was taking all this. His expression was a blank mask, his eyes the only thing moving, searching hers.
“I thought if I stayed here, maybe you and me… we could…” She couldn’t say what she’d hoped, she couldn’t make it real only to have it yanked away. “But you’re leaving.”
“I’m notleaving, Carissa. I’m doing my job.”
“I’m just so tired of things not working out. I’m tired of wanting so much and never getting it. I’m tired of being disappointed. I thought maybe this would be different.” She grabbed for the leather jacket, shrugging his hands away so she could pull it back on. Her thoughts were swirling, words she hadn’t weighed or considered just falling out of her mouth. “Lena said you knew about things like work visas, and I should ask—”
“Is that what this is about? A work visa? Carissa, I don’t—” Lachlan stood between her and his bike, his arms open, but she couldn’t make herself walk into them. “I can help you figure out a work visa, if that’s what you need, to be able to stay. But is that what this is about?”
She knew he was trying to be helpful, that he wanted to be kind, but it was so far from what she needed, what she’d hoped.
“Just take me back to Lena’s. It’s fine. I’ll figure it out.” If she’d ever been more miserable in her life, she couldn’t remember when. She reached for the helmet she’d left hanging on his handlebars.
“Carissa. Stop.”
