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He reached across and wrapped his fingers around it. “It was an old, old building.” He closed his eyes. “I can still see it, stone I could break with my fingers. We were told civilians were being held hostage inside by a pseudo-militant group.”
“Curtis and Gage’s group.”
“Yes. I know now that it’s bullshit, but we followed orders. For many of us, it was what we were trained to do, how we were chosen. It was all about how well we executed what was laid out in front of us, and that was something I did well. And everything was fine right at the beginning. Trevor, Theo’s teacher’s husband, was First-in-Command.”
Her other hand, the one he couldn’t see, gripped the seat of her chair.
“We spotted one of the group members. Trevor did, anyhow. As he was about to give the order about how to approach, Lavigne—who was on sniper duty—fired a shot.”
“Who was it?”
“Wolfe.” Adrían tapped his shoulder. “The bullet hit his upper shoulder, a clean shot straight through, but it caused him to turn around. That’s when Trevor recognized him. After that, something didn’t feel right, so he gave the order to fall back. I remember exactly what he said:‘If that’s who I think it is, they got it wrong. I would bet my life on that. Something’s wrong.’”
“But Lavigne didn’t listen,” she said.
“No. He pulled himself off sniper duty and headed into the building on the opposite side. Trevor sent me after Lavigne since I was the only one fast enough, and I got there just in time to stop him from firing into the group…but not in time to stop the grenade he unclipped and tossed.”
Every muscle in his body flexed, and she knew it was to stop himself from going to her. He knew what this felt like, losing a loved one to violence. Violence took his mother’s life, so she knew he felt every ache she did. As if to compensate, he held her hand a bit more firmly and swept his thumb along her knuckles.
She picked up the story. “Curtis threw himself on top of it.”
“That part, I didn’t know until later.”
“What happened after?”
“The explosion caused the black flags outside to fire into the building. Eventually, it came down. Virtually everybody inside was injured, but Curtis was the only man who lost his life that day. I…” He shook his head, and the tears finally fell. “I couldn’t stop him. If I’d stopped Lavigne—”
“That’s not your fault.”
“Ayesha, I’ve done many things I’m not proud of, but for once in my life, I felt like I had a chance to come close to righting my wrongs. I could help instead of harm, kill, and take. I would have dreams of my mother watching from Heaven, shaking her head in disappointment, and finally, I’d found something she could be proud of. It was the only thing she wanted, for me to grow up and not let the world change me. I thought, once I started saving lives, I could honor her death with dignity. Then, I watched a man die.”
“But you didn’t, Adrían.” Each time her mind tried to create an image of what it had looked like, Curtis lifeless and ashen, she shook it away. “You ran to try to stop him.”
“Querida, I’m grateful to have met you, but I remember…I remember the first time we spoke about Curtis…meu Deus.I don’t know if I can even say it.”
“Adrían,” she switched chairs and moved to the one next to him, “you can’t blame yourself for this.”
“Ayesha, the first time we spoke about Curtis…I had you half-naked on my office floor. Thefloor,Ayesha. I’m a better man than that, and in that moment, I chose not to be, knowing what I owed you.”
“It wasn’t like you forced me there.”
Now that her memories of them were returning, after that, they’d started sleeping together at his estate.
“I remember asking myself what kind of man I was to be next to you, intimate with you,” he gripped his chest, “and in love with you when I was responsible for taking away the person you loved with everything inside you. I can’t come close to explaining the guilt I felt falling for you knowing…”
He didn’t have to finish.
She knew.
Knowing that he could have been the one to stop the pain from reaching her in the first place. Yes, if there’d been no explosion, there would have never been Adrían and Ayesha, but he could have lived with that.
She wrapped her arms around him, leaned against his side, rested her head on his arm, and cried with him. He’d been carrying the weight of guilt for years; one night wouldn’t do much to change anything. All of a sudden, however, she needed Joel. She needed to be close to him and wrapped in him, his heartbeat against the pain in her chest.
Slowly, Adrían’s agony abated.
She ran inside for tissues, set the box on the table in front of them, and held him again. It was a stretch, but she hoped he and the guys grew friendly enough for him to consider staying close to them. These guys, thisfamily,could work miracles when it came to nurturing hurt this deep.
“Ah, querida.” He sniffed. “I didn’t mean for you to see me like this.”
