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Even if every day, I want to watch the blood endlessly flow out of my wrist.
Today is one of those days. I didn’t go to Nikolai’s penthouse yesterday and I feel like I’m sucking breaths through a straw.
I stare at my painting and feel the urge to topple it over and light it on fire. The perfect silhouette of a mountain and a lake that I’ve been working on for weeks feels fake, completely at odds with what my fingers actually want to create. I’ve made more paintings that I don’t want to admit exist, but this perfectly manicured scenery has been a fucking struggle to work on.
Mum said maybe it’s because I’m not focused, but what she doesn’t know is that I couldn’t have been any more focused. It’s just that this thing feels wrong.
Painting landscapes has been my crutch for years. My way to avoid creating anything with eyes. But it’s not working anymore.
If anything, I’m starting to see them in the same light Lan does. Pathetic. Mediocre. Unoriginal. Boring.
Boring.
Fuckingboring.
I pull out my phone and stare at the text I sent Nikolai earlier today because he didn’t join me on my run this morning.
The first time he didn’t—the day of that fight—I felt a hollowness so deep, I didn’t know how to explain it. That hole got bigger the following day and I ignored it.
Today, however, I had trouble breathing. The twat has left his mark in every corner of our running path with his endless questions and shameless flirting so that I can’t go there without feeling his shadow.
Why did he make it a habit if he wasn’t going to keep it up?
So I sent him a text.
Me
Slept in?
Nikolai
Nope.
Then why didn’t you come over?
Missed me?
You wish.
He left me on Read. The audacity of the bastard.
Me
Are you ignoring me?
Nikolai
Doesn’t feel so good when the roles are switched, huh? And to answer your question, I borrowed a page from the Brandon Asshole Dictionary and decided not to show up for the fuck of it. Just like you ghosted me last night.
We never agreed that I’ll be there every night.
Then be here every night. Just like I go to see you every day.
I can’t. You know that.
I know nothing.
You’re being ridiculous.
